Category: Dead Stuff

Squirrel Foot Key Holder

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squirrel foot key holder
I’ve never had a squirrel punch it’s little hand through my wall and present keys to me, but I’m super stoked that this is now a possibility in my life. This Squirrel Foot Key Holder can make it happen. The little furry dude would put a hole in my wall, hold out the keys for me and I would hand him his nuts that I keep in my pocket.

I’m off to the store. Boom! Here’s your keys! I’m out. Keys! Now! Boom! Here you are boss. Sweeeeeet! Of course, within about 2 weeks my hallway would look like swiss cheese from all of the holes in the wall. Then I’d have to get my keys in another room. And another. And another. Until the house falls down all around me one day and I see that little hand punch up out of the debri, offering me my keys one last time. *teary eyed*
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Mummified Mouse In A Pocket Watch

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taxidermy mouse pocket watch
Check it out mouseketeers. It’s a genuine Mummified Mouse In A Pocket Watch, all floating there like a rodent Timelord, cranking up the gears of time, like he’s riding some rat bike into infinity and beyond. He’s probably playing the Doctor Who music in his head, squinting as he concentrates his mind powers.

Back…Back…Time…Space…Back to a time before Justin Bieber and Jar Jar Binks. Then when his little gears and levers reach 88 miles per hour this watch burns a hole in some hipster’s pocket and the mouse is off to put right what once went wrong. Hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.

*Blue energy everywhere. Pew pew! Crackle! Flash!* Cue Quantum Leap music.

OH BOY!
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Dead Mouse In A Guitar Case

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dead mouse in miniature guitar case
Oh look, it’s a dead mouse in a mini guitar case. If you click through and scroll down below, you’ll see the mother (Sold separately) who is actually holding a guitar. She looks like she’s busking and when she gets enough change in her hat, the kid mouse will probably resurrect. Then they’ll take their little show to another street.

Never trust a busker. I just walk by a whole line of them with my iPhone app. It plays the sounds of change landing in a hat, cup or guitar case, so I don’t actually have to do it. Hey, I didn’t ask for the free concert! You don’t like it get a tour manager!
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Mr. T Taxidermy Mouse: B.A. Ba-Rat-Cus

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mr t rat
Whatch you want fool? This is the Mr. T Mouse. The T stands for Taxidermy fool! I pity the fool who takes a picture of me against their buttcheek!

In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.

Da da da da! Da da da!

You know how they have to drug Mr. T to get him on planes? Yeah, that’s probably what they had to do to this poor mouse to give him a makeover. Man, I just wish the seller had the entire A-Team so I could annoy Mr. T mouse with Murdock mouse and put them all in the A-Team van!

Yeti And Werewolf Faux Taxidermy

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Yeti and Werewolf Taxidermy
These Yeti and Werewolf heads are awesome. Why do I need a Yeti or a Werewolf head on my wall, looking like they tried to bust into my room like the Kool-Aid man, but got stuck when their fat heads came through? I just do. With a Yeti head on my wall I can have a Yeti sighting anytime I want. I’ll even go the extra mile and call it in to one of these Yeti sighting hotlines.

“Did you see a Yeti?”
Mocks her tone. Did you see a yeti? Yes. Yes I did.
“Where did you see it sir?”
In my livingroom. It’s looking at me right now.
“Are you in danger sir?”
Me? Pffft. I’m just chillin’ with a beer.
“Sir. You really should take this seriously. You are clogging up the lines for people who are really in danger.”
Whatevs. They don’t exist no how! Thanks for the drunk dialing adventure. Click.

Later that night… *Strange grinding noise is shaking the whole house. Sounds like some weird breathy electric saw too. Turns on the light to see an actual Yeti dry humping and having it’s way with my monster head.*
Oh, Hell no! Bad Yeti. Swats it with a rolled up newspaper. It runs away, darting out a window and leaving my now defiled monster head on the floor.

What the s**t! I guess they do exist!
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