Category: Just Plain Weird

Beetlejuice Ring Minder

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Beetlejuice Ring Minder
Steps into a tiny room full of spikes going every which way. Closes the door and gets into the only safe corner. Clears throat.

“Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.”

Dude materializes with a smile, instantly gets ready to pull his funny/crazy crap, but doesn’t because he instantly is impaled on spikes that he materialized into. And THAT is how you get rid of Beetlejuice. Now you know how to handle that crazy sumb-itch!

Let’s talk rings. Are you the lord of them? I’m J.R.R. Talkin’ to you. If you have more rings than you know what to do with, this Beetlejuice Ring Minder is a stylish way to display them. Once you’ve rid yourself of that Beetlejuice freak of course. Now you know how.

Gothic Skull Vessel and Pen Set

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Gothic Skull Vessel and Pen Set
Creeptastic! Holy Goth! This Gothic Skull Vessel and Pen Set will let you write all of your horror fan-fic, ransom notes, poison pen letters and other assorted weirdness. You get four skull-topped ink pens and a skeleton vessel to hold them in.

Man, I wish I had a skeleton vessel. “Full speed ahead!” I would shout from atop it’s spine, posed like George Washington leading the charge, as the skeleton beast walks toward the enemy. *Suddenly all of it’s bones shatter and leave me half-buried in a pile of bone.* “Damn you and your lack of calcium!”

Life Size Dinosaur Skeleton

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Life Size Dinosaur Skeleton
Get yourself a Life Size Dinosaur Skeleton. Without having to dig it up from your back yard. Or like I did, tunneling under my own house so I can check my neighbor’s yard for fossils. To bad about the sink hole that lowered their roof to ground level. That was just coincidence. I only removed like 3 Wooly Mammoth skulls and a full T-Rex.

On the bright side, now I can do motorcycle jumps from my yard onto their roof, wearing an Evel Knievel jumpsuit and a dinosaur skull for a helmet. Well, not anymore since my cycle is now lodged half in their living room and half in their basement.

Toilet Yoga Book

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Toilet Yoga Book
Finally, something to keep me occupied while I’m laying pipe. This Toilet Yoga Book titled “Toilet Yoga (Because Sometimes Sh*t Doesn’t Happen)“, will help you get your business done. It’s full of poses that will help you poop if you’re having trouble launching a Cleveland steamer. It goes well with the Squatty Potty.

I’m guessing some of those poses have names like Downward Facing Dookie, or the Caca Cobra. This book might just help me to reach a place of zen. Rather than my usual place of grunting and cursing like a sailor.

Crystal Skull With A Spider Inside

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

spider skull
Looky looky, everybody stop your nooky. This crystal skull has a spider lodged in it’s cranium. I mean lodged, as in it has taken up residence, like a real roger-dodger-lodger. This insect is a drainium on the Cranium. He’ll make ya feel dull in the skull, see.

Wait, what? It’s not “talk like an old timey radio guy” day? I always get that wrong. That’s after “talk like a pirate” day and before “walk like a busy hooker after a long night” day. I just can’t keep up.

Anywho, this crystal skull has a spider stuck inside. Haha. You can’t get me, spider. Suck it! *The sound of glass shattering.* Oh poopy!
Read more “Crystal Skull With A Spider Inside”