Category: Just Plain Weird

The Coffin Mirror

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Coffin Mirror
Mirror mirror, on the wall, who is the deadest one of all? Wait. Maybe I don’t want to know. Yeah. Just forget that I asked. Anyway, whose idea was it to decorate this place like a funeral home? I mean, I know it’s dead around here, but geesh.

This Coffin Mirror really puts your mortality in your face. I heard that if you approach the coffin mirror and begin coughing, that probably means your time is just about up. You smash this thing, you’re not getting seven years bad luck, but an undertaker will start following you around. No thanks. I’ll stick with the mirror I have. Which is a good looking dude named Steve, who I met on Craigslist, and pay to stand on the other side of the wall.

Barbed Wire Corner Spider Web

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Barbed Wire Corner Spider Web
And I thought the spiders in my house were hardcore! This is a Barbed Wire Corner Spider Web. Probably made by some spider wearing a World War II helmet and carrying a rifle. Probably stacks it’s cocooned meals like sand bags. This is how prison spiders are too. Plus, they’ll shank you.

Nope. I don’t need that in my house. No way. No Mutha Effin curds and whey.

Squirrel In Underpants Air Freshener

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Squirrel In Underpants Air Freshener
Oh nuts. I’ll keep this brief. Ha. Get it? If we have Squirrel In Underpants Air Fresheners, do you think squirrels have human in underpants air fresheners? At least this air freshener will smell better than your average squirrel. There’s that.

The squirrels around my area are more the boxer type. They don’t like briefs. Hey, boxers or briefs, what does it matter as long as you have a place to store your nuts? Am I right guys?

Skeleton Dinner Plates

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Skeleton Dinner Plates
Skeleton Dinner Plates. Winner, winner, X-Ray dinner. Perfect for a plate of ribs or some macabre-roni and cheese. “You’re not leaving the table until that pelvis is clean!” But mom! “No butts! That’s a tailbone.” You mean a coccyx! “What did you say young man? Go to your room!”

Mom falls for that every time.

These plates would be great for an old sailing ship with a minimal crew. You know why? Cuz they have a skeleton crew. Hahaha. I got a million of ’em. 206 to be exact. That’s how many bones are in the human body! Hahahhaahaha

Alien Body Mummified Remains

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Alien Body Mummified Remains
Oh man, these Alien Body Mummified Remains are freaky. It’s like Roswell all over again. Looks like Roger from American Dad, only more shriveled and fighting allergies from hell. Unless those puffy eyes are lady-parts. You never know with aliens. I’m gonna bust the government E.T. conspiracy wide open. I’ll set up an old black and white camera and do an autopsy. An alien autopsy. I don’t think that’s ever been done before. Right? What? Oh right. Well, I was in a coma for most of the 90s.

A government induced coma. Because I knew too much about the alien agenda- BRB doorbell.

A man dressed in black just called me Rip Van Winkle and told me to shut my stupid truth-hole unless I want another long nappy time. So I’m out.