Tru Blood. It’s what Vampires drink, when they aren’t all trying to fang-bang Sookie Stackhouse. Now you can drink it too thanks to this Tru Blood Blood Orange Carbonated Soda Drink. The idea is that vampires drink this stuff so they won’t have to attack us mortals. But now that humans are drinking Tru-Blood, our blood is going to taste like Tru-Blood. So why shouldn’t vampires feed off of us? It makes no sense.
I drink garlic drinks. Keeps the vamps away. And everyone else.
I’m gonna get this Fifty Shades of Chicken Cookbook and me and my chicken are going to have a quiet night in. I’ll set the table, pour some wine, candlelight for two…
Oh chicken you are so lovely. You give me sticky chicken fingers whenever I touch you. Gonna bind your wings with bacon, grab ya by the dripping thighs and truss you up. Gonna rub some butter all over your poultry skin, cuz I know you want that Lard-on. Spank you with some marinade…
I would do all of that stuff IF I had a chicken. But I don’t. Thanks for making me hungry. Stupid book!
Check out these creepy crawly glass spiders. Makes me picture a whole store full of these 8-legged demons. I hate spiders. Excuse me a moment while I go order Thor’s hammer online.
*Waits like 7 days because I’m too cheap to buy Amazon Prime.* Now I’m ready. *Bursts through the doors of the glass spider shop. Smashes everything in sight as glass flies everywhere, not stopping until every single spider is dead.* My work here is done. The world is a little safer now.
Read more “Blown Glass Spiders”
There’s a monster in my wall. No, seriously. You should see my electricity bill. This Monster Sconce looks like he’s bursting through your wall and he’s brought his own light sources, which I would replace with beer cans. Hey monster, beer me. Thanks! *Grabs it from his hand.*
Click through for an awesome shot of this monster looking totally psyched over a can of Campbell’s soup. He friggin’ loves that stuff. He’s all like F Yeah! Gonna get all souped-up like an old time hot rod.
Read more “Weird Monster Sconce”
Riiiiiinnnnngggggggggg! Riiiiiinnnnngggggggggg! It’s for you. Oh, thanks! What the shizz?! This cool Skeleton Hand Phone Lamp will light your home and make it look like a skeleton is picking up the phone for you.
*Calls the repairman* Creepy Phone and Lamp Repair Inc.? Hey, the phone part of my lamp doesn’t work. It never rings.
I’ll come out and look at it.
*Two hours later. Creepy looking Beetlejuice looking guy shows up.*
What do we have here?
The ringer doesn’t work!
Hmmmmm. There’s your problem. The ring finger is broken. I see this all the time. *Puts a ring on it.* Goodbye!
*Calls back* It’s still not working. I can call out, but it never rings.
Okay, hang up. I’ll try the line.
Riiiiiinnnnngggggggggg! Riiiiiinnnnngggggggggg!
It works! It works!
Yeah and I think we know what the problem is now. It’s cuz you have no friends. *Sad silence* Fine! I’ll come over and we can play with your bone-phone loser-lamp.