So….No door bell. How do I use this Skeleton Wreath? Should I just pick up a bone and use it to knock? Do I use my knuckles to knock on the skull? Maybe just shake the whole thing and make a ruckus? What the hell is a ruckus anyway? Am I causing one now? So many questions. All I know for sure is that I should probably turn around and run when I see a Skeleton Wreath on a door.
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Category: Just Plain Weird
EGG-A-MATIC Skull Egg Mold
The EGG-A-MATIC Skull Egg Mold will automatically turn eggs into skulls. Unlike the nations school system, which turns young skulls into egg-batter. But enough of that. Politics makes strange bedfellows. No really, the kind of bedfellow that gets all weird and kinky and makes you do unspeakable stuff in the middle of the night.
The point is, now you can turn your eggs into a skull and have a scary/spooky breakfast. Bite the head and suck out it’s yellow brains. Just like the school system did to you. That will teach ’em. Yay! Now everybody’s stupid.
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Troll-Topped Monster Storage Box
This Troll-Topped Monster Storage Box is pretty awesome. In D and D, when you find a special box like this in the dungeon, you know it contains a magical item or two. Maybe even some magical fruit that doesn’t make you toot. My campaigns usually go something like this:
My DM: You see a large chest with a troll head on it. What do you do?
Me: I look from the chest to the woman’s face and ask her where she got such a lovely troll tattoo.
DM: Seriously?
Me: Yeah. It’s quality work.
DM: Do something else.
Me: I wet my thumb and rub the chest, seeing if the troll comes off.
DM: Roll a Dex check. You fail automatically. The chest eats you.
Me: So I’m inside the chest? Can I motorboat?
DM: We’re done here.
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Saint Beetlejuice Candle
This Saint Beetlejuice Candle should only be used with prayers that begin with saying his name three times. I can get away with it, because I’m typing the name, not saying it. Just another sweet-ass perk of being a blogger. Don’t you try it.
Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
See. Totally safe. I knew that dingus Michael Keaton wasn’t going to appear. ARGHHHH! Internet is crapping out! My computer is soooooo slow. I’m-
Update: Gonna finish using the library computer, cuz my screen is all black and white stripes with Beetlejizz in the foreground juggling Winona Ryder and Tim Burton’s heads.
Once again, the perks of being a blogger turn out to be an exaggeration. Let that be a lesson to you kids. Stick with your selfies and texting while colliding with poles and leave blogging to the pros.
I’m off to the deli to get a slice of rye and some moldy bologna. An old Chinese guy told me it was the only way to banish him.
Snail Monsters Are Slow, Slimey And Scary
Etsy seller limaceous makes all kinds of creepy and crazy, scary and slimey, gross and googly-eyed Snail Monsters. Buy one and they will mail it to you. Snail mail. Obviously. Good joke huh? Snailed it!
These little creatures are the perfect monsters. They’re all gross and nasty, but slow enough to run from. Plus, if you’re really scared you can just stomp them. Or slug them. Get it? I’m gonna use these to scare away real snails in my garden. Long story. It involves a septic tank overflow and a night full of thunder and lightning. Also stars me as the mad scientist. I’m not allowed to say anymore.
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