Holy Jesus! Now I know why everyone is so scared of the bogeyman. He really is full of boogers. Nasty, slimy egg boogers. This Bogeyman Egg Separator will make you want to skip breakfast all together. He looks like an old man with a severe case of the flu. No really. Like he has a whole briefcase marked “flu” on the outside, where he keeps his ebola.
That’s not a one tissue drip. That’s a go through the whole kleenex box and spray some lysol up your honker drip. You nasty old man!
At first I was like, “Make yourself at home Mr. Squirrel, pull up a Squirrel Chair and stay awhile.” Then later I was like “WTF, I spend half my time cleaning up squirrel s**t.” I thought I was the only mammal who sat in a chair all day eating and s**tting. What’s the word for that again? Oh yeah, a blogger.
So anyway I got tired of cleaning up Squirrel crap and tore the chair off the tree. I threw it in the trash along with some Hot Wheels cars and some computer parts. Two weeks later I hear a computer modulated Squirrel voice and look outside to see “Squirrel Hawking” rolling along in his robotic wheelchair, nibbling on some nuts and trying to work out some equations that prove black holes are nature’s unbleached anus. Last I heard he was teaching at Harvard. Working for peanuts. Obviously. He’s not stupid. Money is useless to a squirrel.
This Vintage Portable Toilet ain’t nothing but TV dinner tray stand legs and a hefty bag! Supposedly it’s perfect for things like camping, fishing and hunting. You know, because you didn’t bring your own toilet from home. Because nothing says camping like a stinky and putrid hefty bag full of camper poop and pee, right by the fire while you’re toasting marshmallows.
Also if you need to erect a hefty bag toilet while you are fishing or hunting, you have some serious medical problems my friend. What do you do with it when you’re done? Tie off that hefty bag and drive it home in your car, where it is bound to spring a leak? Tie it up and toss it in the forest like the toxic waste it is?
I like to just bring a spare toilet, set her up in a quiet place and leave it there for the next guy. I’m thoughtful like that.
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This Zombie Hand Drain Stopper is perfect if you like your bath water red. Which I do. Hey, nothing gives you soft skin and a warm glow like soaking in a bath of Hi-C fruit punch and Cherry Kool-Aid. Diabetes. You’re soaking in it.
You think this hand will massage my feet and tickle me while I ladle sugar drinks all over myself? Nevermind. Just saw those fingernails. Looks like we have some fungus among us. I know you’re already dead and all, so would it kill you to get a manicure? No. No it wouldn’t.
This Steampunk Gas Mask Chandelier is the perfect way to decorate your home during the apocalypse. And if you get attacked by ravenous farting zombies, you can even grab yourself one of the steampunk gas masks if you need to. I might just buy this one to prepare for the end of the world. I can hang it up and name each mask. You gotta have some friends to talk to when it gets lonely. And only losers decorate a soccer ball with sharpie and call it Wilson. Tom Hanks is such an idiot!
“I don’t know. I rather like him.”
You shut up. You shut your dimply basketball hole Spalding!