Now you can own Van Gogh’s ear. It looks all hairy and nasty. I hope it didn’t look like that when he cut it off and gave it to that chick that he loved. Damn Vincent. If that is your ear, your could have just sent her some pubes. At least that way you’d still hear her when she smacks you in the face and calls you a degenerate freak.
Not that I would know from experience or anything.
These Combat garden gnomes will mess up your day. They are armed, deadly, and full of attitude. Etsy seller thorssoli has several styles to choose from. You can buy a bunch and assemble your gnome army. Each one of these little killing machines will cost you between $76-$96.
There’s a heavy machine gunner, a minesweeper, a mortar launching gnome and many more. Let some jerk even try to trample your garden. They are in for a world of hurt.
Check out a few more below.
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For $160,000.00 you can buy Jimmy. A Spiritual friend. Well, I saved up my money and went for it. What the hell. No one else is playing D and D with me and discussing the finer points of Cheetos versus generic orange GMO sticks.
It went fine at first. I payed my money and just like in the picture, Jimmy swaggers into my house from some hyperspace orb streaming plain of existence. After he came through, he remained a creepy shadow. Dude is a jerk. Thought it was funny to stand over my bed at night and wake me up. Whatever. He just laughs in that trippy alien voice.
Came home from work one day and I catch him shadow-banging a half pound of ground beef. Dude claims it’s how he gets nutrients. Yeah? I guess that explains the hat made out of freaking sausage he wore for like a week straight, all sculpted on his head. I’m guessing he was courting the damn thing, because after about a week, he suddenly rips the thing off his head while we’re watching Netflix and stuffs it between the couch cushions, gets busy with it, has a smoke and wants me to clean it up.
I finally get Jimmy to eat like a human and guess what? They get diarrhea when they eat like that. So after coming home to “turd minefield”, last conflict of the great shadow war that is my life, I found some gypsies to work some voodoo and I sent Jimmy back where he came from, propelled by a swift kick in his shadow-ass. F U Jimmy.
I finally bagged me a Predator. Even if it does look like a watermelon mated with a spider. They are surprisingly easy to catch. Just cover yourself in mud and they’re all like, “Where did you go?” So I popped up and surprised him. That’s how I got this sweet Predator head for my wall.
Like 4 more were off to the side laughing. I held their friend’s head up. “This is funny spider-face?” What’s that smell? Smells like taco night, just before bed. Oh, right! That mud was butt-mud. Figures I would hide in a pig-pen. They just gave me a wide birth as I left with my trophy. That’s right. I’m the man!
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Etsy seller FrivolousForest offers all kinds of sweet painted ladies. Of the extinct variety. She makes dinosaurs sexy and Princess-like by putting all kinds of makeup and jewelry on them. Damn girl, you looking good. I’m gonna come down on you like an extinction level event.
These ladies are keeping it all classic in the Jurassic. Click through for more.
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