Have a Bigfoot sighting on your Christmas tree. Without hitting the alcohol I mean. You can get these Bigfoot Christmas Ornaments singly or as a 3 pack. Ohh la la. Menage-a-squatch.
Jingle Bells,
Yeti smells,
Sasquatch laid an egg…
Actually that was me. Sorry about that. Eggnog gives me gas.
Get a set of 2 Bigfoot Beer Glasses. That way you can do like I do. Drink one and leave one out on the back porch for Bigfoot. Pro tip: He likes a stout ale. You pour anything else for him and you’ll be cleaning thrown feces off the back deck for a week. He’s such a baby!
Then if you don’t give him a beer at all he’s all like, I’m just gonna walk around all night grunting outside of your window and leave huge footprints while I whine like a wuss.
The intervention is next week. I still have to order the tranquilizer darts and body armor.
All the kids are slamming Monster drinks, so I figured I would too. Gonna order these awesome Monster Glasses and see if they give me energy too. Plus, I’ll never forget which glass is mine. I’m Chupacabra all the way baby! Sometimes I feel like a Kraken too so I’m covered. I’ll save the Loch Ness monster for friends since it’s a rare occasion that any show up and when they do, I have no proof.
Bigfoot? I’ll fill that up and leave it on the back porch for the neighborhood Sasquatch. That way he can stop drinking from the hose when we’re not looking.
Make this Father’s Day special by giving dad the gift of tough dry meat in a heart shaped box. With Bigfoot on it. Holding a Rose. Because Bigfoot loves you. Can you hear the Barry White that he’s playing?
*Walks into forest.Waits a half hour. Hears STOMP STOMP STOMP. Bigfoot approaches.*
It’s about time you came to see your old man.
Well, I’ve been busy acting like an idiot on my blog. You smell like piss and *sniffs* more piss. Happy Father’s Day. *Hands him the heart shaped box of jerky.*
That’s very thoughtful son. *Bigfoot tears* Wait. Are you using my image without permission again?
No dad. I didn’t make it. The beef jerky came that way.
This is just like you son. We need to talk about responsibility-
*Throws hands up.* Here we go. How about “Thank you son. Now I don’t have to track and kill a deer tonight, which I can’t do anyway because I smell like piss and am like 10 feet tall.” This is why mom left. I’m-
*Sirens. Cop gets out of his car nearby.* I repeat, we have TWO of them. Bring ’em in alive and we’ll be rich!
Oh poopy!
*Removes “Gone Squachin'” sign* I’m back and you’ll be happy to know that I’ve bagged a Bigfoot. It took a few drinks and a story about how I was in the CIA, but she eventually came around. The bag was strictly for my protection, because her feet weren’t the only things about her that were big and ugly. Oh, I also caught a Sasquatch.
Turns out all you need is the “In Search Of” theme music mixed with the “X-Files” theme music and a poster of a half naked Dana Scully nailed to a tree. Oh and this Bigfoot Research Kit helps too. Just makes you all official.
Well, I’m off to teach it sign language and how to get snacks from the convenience store. They won’t even notice the difference from when this hairy ape goes in and fills a cart with slim jims and doritos. They’ll probably ask if I got a haircut.