Tag: cool

This Monopoly Sweater Gets You Free Parking All Day Long

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monopoly sweater
Sweet. I just bought Baltic Ave and Mediterranean. I’m a landlord! Finally! Woo-hoo! I am the king of great real estate decisions. Um, why is there a crack addict in that empty pool, playing a didgeridoo made out of like 10 rusty Mountain Dew cans? Also, why is the local lemonade stand manned by tweaky kids selling what appears to be blue rock candy? I guess I’m a slum lord. What a meth!

Who cares? With my awesome Monopoly sweater I feel like I own Park Place and Boardwalk. I’m pretending that the cockroaches crunching under my feet are just gravel. Gravel on my rich driveway. Gooey nasty gravel. This place isn’t so bad. Nah, it’s fine. That lady in the halter top and hot pants, leaning into that car window, must have just passed GO cuz the guy in the car gave her $200.

I want to go home to my zombie suburban wasteland!*tears*

Bloody Shark Bathtub Drain Stopper

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Bloody Shark Bathtub Drain Stopper
Damn that’s nasty. This Bloody Shark Bathtub Drain Stopper makes it look like a shark has swam up your bathtub pipe after a ferocious and bloody meal and just kinda got stuck there. Now he’s just hanging out, enjoying the suds from your bubbles, while you two make small talk. Hopefully he doesn’t get loose and start swimming toward your junk.

“What do you have detective?”

*Hovers over body in tub* “This is the second one this week. We appear to have a serial killer. One that likes to eviscerate nads while the victim is enjoying a nice bubble bath. Nothing else is touched. When he finishes his work, he drains the water and with it the evidence. Notice the blood wiped on this guy’s lips. It’s as if something very small and very bloody kissed him afterwards, all ritualistic like. Sicko!”

Fin!
(Haha. Get it? It means the end. Also shark fin! I rock. No…. I Rock Z. Ha ha. I did it again. Like the car. Iroc Z. Other writers can suck it!)

Creepy And Colorful Toy Sculptures

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Creepy And Colorful Toy Sculptures
Check out these cool toy sculptures by Seymour. They’re all trippy and freaky and scary like. This is like the land of Adventure Time only with more magic mushrooms. Or demonic Garbage Pail Kids from another dimension.

I like that hamburger dude wearing his brains on his crotch area. I can relate. I’m told that I think with my crotch all the time. I should probably send my crotch to college and better it. Get it a degree. Maybe Ivy league. Nah, Ivy would make my crotch itch. Anyway, I’m calling this guy “Purple Nerd Burger”. Check out some even trippier sculptures below. I gotta go. I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.yeah. yeah. oh yeahhhhh!
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This Magma Neckpiece Looks Lava-ly

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magna necklace
This Magma Neckpiece is hot. Scorching. Women look lava-ly in magma. You make me blow my top girl! Guys, do yourself a favor and buy this for your lady. Don’t be cheap like me. *Flashes back to two years ago*

……

What is my surprise?

Just keep your blindfold on. It’s almost ready.

I’m so excited. What is it?

Well, you remember how you wanted that magma neckpiece? I made you one myself. Open your eyes.

Uh…This is like a drippy plastic melted candle…

Yeah, I opened a couple of lava lamps and dumped it on a mannequin head. Then cut the head off to make the hole. You’re welcome.

It feels hot still. Why is my shirt smoking.

Why indeed? Where did it pick up that habit? From a nun? Heh. I crack myself- Ow! I’ll grab the fire extinguisher.

Nuke Lamp Glows In The Dark, Naturally

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nuke lampThis Nuke Lamp in the shape of a mushroom cloud will lend an irradiated glow to your home. Usually only the cockroaches would survive a blast like this, but both you and those nasty creatures will be safe.

This amazing 3D printed lamp really splits my atoms. It’s rad! Get it? I love it a mega-ton! I hope I don’t get any fallout because of these lame jokes. I wish I had been alive in the 60s and had this lamp. I would have tricked all of my dates using the old “under the desk, duck and cover” routine. Nah, I’ll be fine sitting at the desk. Only enough room down there for one. You get under so you’re safe. Heh heh. While you’re down there…

*Hey that’s rude!*

What? I was gonna say to check if the carpet needs vacuuming.

*That’s sexist*

Well, I just meant.

*You shut up mister!*

When did the voice in my head get so mean and bossy?