Tag: cool

Dragon Shoulder Companion

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shoulder riding dragon
Is that a dragon on your shoulder or are you just happy to see me? Maybe a little of both, since I’m always happy to see someone with a plate full of french fries. *Grabs a bunch. Feeds some to my Dragon Shoulder Companion and stuffs the rest in my mouth. Sits down across from my dragon-less friend.*

Yes you can take my order. I’ll have enough raw meat for two. *Waits. Meat arrives* Do your thing Drago! *Dragon shrieks and breaths fire, cooking our meat and burning my dragon-less friend to a crisp. Everyone runs for the door.*

So how have you been? You’re looking a bit ashen. Why so quiet? *Taps him on the shoulder. Burnt jaw falls to the table.* Time to get out of here Drago. Bad Drago. Our dead friend is not food. C’mon we gotta stay one step ahead of the law. And the fire department.
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Dragon Eye Eye Patches

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Dragon Eye Eye Patches
Cue montage of me beating up meat in a freezer. Training hardcore rocky style while I wear my sweet Dragon eye patch. Jumping rope. Doing sit ups as my trainer teases me with a piece of bacon just out of reach. I’m feeling good! Feeling pumped! I can do this!

It’s the…eye of the dragon
It’s the thrill of the fight….

Mick, my trainer is all like, “Are you a dragon or a door mouse? Get out there and do it. Show ’em what a dragon can do. You got heart kid. Clobber ’em and breath fire. Don’t stop until the fire department comes to pick up his ashes. Eye of the dragon kid! Now go!” *Pushes me into the ring.*

Ding. Ding.

In this corner, me, hitting my gloves together and jumping up and down, ready for action. In the opposite corner… Yeah, it’s that spider that I saw, looking creepy as f**k.

*Runs away screaming.* Here, you have the eye of the dragon Mick. I don’t want it anymore. I’m just gonna get a fly swatter and hope for the best. Can you kill it? Please?????

Octopus Hoodie

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Octopus Hoodie
I love that show with the transforming and ink squirting octopi. “Ink squirters. More than meets the eye.” Octo-mus Prime is my favorite. Wait. I’m mixing stuff up again. Which usually starts with mixing meds. I have no idea what I’m saying, or even where I am half the time, but if there is one thing we can agree on it is this: Octopussy was not the best James Bond flick, but it had the best name.

Another thing we can agree on? That this Octopus Hoodie is the coolest effin hoodie in the hood any day of the week. (Almost typed day of the weak which is everyday for me.) Don’t believe me? Then I’ll shoot you with my Glock…topus. Son.

I’ll leave you with this bit of wisdom: You kids think tats are awesome and all, but Octopus wrestlers were getting inked long before it was cool. Think about it.
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T-Rex “Jurassic Pump” Dinosaur Heels

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t rex jurassic pump dinosaur heels
These T-Rex heels are dino-mite! They turn you into a sexy Leg-o-saurus with plenty of Rex-appeal. Word play. Deal with it. I’ve never seen a better pair of Jurassic Pumps and I’ve seen my great great grandmother’s shoes. And you know how I know that oil doesn’t come from dinosaur bones? Because she was ancient and she didn’t turn into oil. I know because they dug up her cemetery to erect a new Arbys.

They say that late at night, when all of the roast beef is put away, a ghostly figure approaches the counter and tries to pay with all nickels. Although that could be any geezer’s ghost.
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Hamburger Couch Pillows

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hamburger couch pillows
Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. Okay, these Hamburger Couch Pillows don’t have all of those things, but they come close. I would lay in this pile of pillows all day long, using the cheese as a blanket. Cuz I’m smart like that. And I’m already covered in cheese most days anyway.

*Looks down at yellow/orange shirt. Peels shirt off of my skin and starts eating it* Mmmmm. Still tastes like pepperoni! Why would I start the day off with a shirt when I knew I was gonna drip cheese all over myself anyway? What you call lazy, I call multitasking.
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