Tag: etsy

Scary Leech Halloween Mask

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Scary Leech Halloween Mask
EWWWW! Kill it with fire! But stay away from that unholy mouth with like a million teeth. The detail on this Leech Halloween Mask is amazing. And I should know. I’ve lived with enough of them. Nowadays I live alone, but I still see those leeches in flashbacks.

Those aren’t flashbacks. We call that a mirror. You were the leech.

Fair enough. *Opens mouth full of terrifying sucker-teeth and attaches to your side.* Can I have 5 bucks? By the way, do you have sandwich making stuff in your fridge? I’m starving.

Evil Clown String Lights

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Evil Clown String Lights
Not enough evil clowns in your life? Decorate your home with these Evil Clown String Lights. Can you hear them laughing? Stop laughing at me! Stop! *Covers ears.* Why do you torment me? Why? What happened to your front tooth? Leave me alone! *Falls to knees and starts crying. Microwave dings!*

Oh….Hot Pockets. Check you later psycho telepathic clowns! Nom nom nom.
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Cross Made Of Human Hair

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Cross Made Of Human Hair
Why would you sell a perfectly good cross made out of human hair? Do you not want to worship the Sasquatch anymore? Have you lost faith that he is out there? Whatevs. I’ll buy it. Maybe even start a church for the hairy one. Have people worship at the altar under this thing.

Until he busts up my place one day cuz I’m a no good money changer, charging people too much and selling T-shirts and fake hair samples.
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Pale Man From Pan’s Labyrinth Creature Figurine

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Pale Man From Pan's Labyrinth Creature Figurine
What the hell!? I said peek-a-boo! Not cut out your damn eyeballs and put ’em in your hands and look at me with your hands. You are one sick individual. I don’t think I want to play with you anymore. *Crosses arms over chest* I might even call my mom to come pick me up.

Hey, this explains why you always find me when we play hide and go seek. Sure, you covered your eyes. With your… hand-eyes. What the- You were looking at the bottom of the deck every time you dealt on poker night, weren’t you? No, put your hands down. it’s not cute. No. Bad…. Oh, I can’t stay mad at you my Pale Man friend. Got a secret of my own. *Displays hands palm out in front of my crotch, showing off my testes-palms.*

You think you got it bad. I gotta hold these things all day. It’s why I can’t ride a bike. Too painful holding onto the handlebars!
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Buffalo Hoof Taxidermy Lamps

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Buffalo Hoof Taxidermy Lamps
Buffalo Hoof Taxidermy Lamps. Pretty much what it sounds like. Two hairy legs all up in your bidness. I know what you’re thinking. Why do I need this when I already have a wife? Good question. Here’s a better one? Why won’t your wife shave her legs?

Buffalo girls won’t you come out tonight? Come out tonight. Come out tonight. Buffalo girls won’t you come out tonight? Probably won’t cuz your legs are nasty!