Tag: etsy

Ghoulish Book of Grammar

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ghoulish grammar book
Grammar Nazis hate me, because I ain’t speak proper engrish. This Ghoulish Book of Grammar might help. It basically teaches adult weirdos about the ABCs using horror characters and nightmarish images. It will scare you into proper grammar. Won’t work on me though. I learned my grammar in the slammer son. Thug life.

I was in for like 24 hours in the drunk tank. Sounds fun, I know, but despite the name, it really is NOT a tank of alcohol you get to swim around in. It’s more like a tank of vomit and urine. And some crazy-eyed dude named Pedro who tells you you are pretty as he sniffs your hair.
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Plush Butt Tissue Box Cover

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plush butt tissue holder
The first thing that hits me about these Plush Butt Tissue Box Covers is that these butts are always being wiped. I mean, they have to be the cleanest butts ever, plush or otherwise. If I could poop toilet paper, my butt might actually get clean. For once.

Plush Butts. It’s fun to say. Plush Butts. I have to sing it with the Duck Tales theme, cuz everything goes with the Duck Tales song.

Plush Butts. Wooo hooo. Do do do da do do do do do Plush Butts. Wooo hooo.

Plush Butts are better than slush butts. Take it from someone who has had a serious case of both in the past.

Beetlejuice Art Doll

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beetlejuice art doll
Itttt’s showtime! Beetlejuice! Betelguese! Beetleguese! Ah hell. Why do I always do exactly what I’m not supposed to do? Now Micheal Keaton just showed up in my house. He’s making a sandwich right now and feeding the cat. I think we’re roommates now. He cried like a little girl when I told him Birdman sucked. Gonna get him some black/white striped pajamas and some face paint so he can re-enact stuff from Beetlejuice.

This Beetlejuice doll stands 19 inches tall and is pretty awesome. It makes far less noise than SOME people when he chews his sandwich. I’m looking at you Mike. You are Birdman. Peck at it. Don’t chew with your beak full.

Sugar Skulls Are Hauntingly Sweet

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sugar skull cubes
Sugar skulls. One lump or two? Huh? One lump or two? Look, I don’t care how many bumps it has on it’s head, just drop it in my coffee so I can get mah buzz on like a caffeinated bee. Caffeinated bees are like spelling bees, only much much louder.

Spell “profane”. *Bloodshot eyes wide as hell and twitchy.* PROFANE, P-R-O-F-A-N-E PROFANE. *Forehead veins bulging.* I WILL USE IT IN A SENTENCE. “IF I DON’T WIN THIS F***ING BEE, I’M GETTIN’ ALL PROFANE UP IN DIS BIATCH!” WHERE’S MY COFFEE?
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Mounted Taxidermy Dragon Head

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taxidermy dragon head
What? This awesome Mounted Taxidermy Dragon Head costs $1,499.? Like Stevie Nicks said, “Stop dragon my heart around!” Puff the magic dragon may have lived by the sea, but he died by my hand. At least, that’s what I’m gonna tell people when they see this sweet head mounted on my wall.

Did you really kill that thing?

Yep. Killed it with kindness.

Huh?

*Shows off my caveman club with the word “kindness” carved in the handle.* Yeah, he was all like, “I can see you have a kindness. Jump on my back and we shall be friends, adventuring to far off lands.” I just climbed up and whacked him real good until my arm was tired. Good thing I’m good at whacking things.