When not selling pieces of what is left of his soul in Hollywood and staring at people until they say, “Im’ma smack you Nicolas Cage!”, this is what he looks like. Exposed! I exposed you. How do you like that, you unblinking, smoothed face tool of the Illuminati? (I don’t know that he is an Illuminati tool. I just know he is a tool. And obviously evil)
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Tag: etsy
Set The Mood With Poop Candles
These poop candles look like stinky sticks of dynamite. Good thing they aren’t, because I would want a longer fuse. You don’t want to be anywhere near these when they go off. Luckily they are just candles. Lumpy(and probably nutty and corn-filled) candles.
Check out the lumpiness and girth on these bad boys. You would really have to strain and practice some deep breathing to get these things out of your bowels. Then, once you did, you would need a good long break to sit there and pant, regain your breath. These are some seriously unhealthy Cleveland Steamers. If your biz looks like this, go coffin shopping right now.
They smell like roses and are bound to keep things classy in your home. More shots below.
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Ouija Board Skirt: Talk To The Dead While Copping A Feel
I wish all girls wore Ouija Board Skirts. It would be so easy to score with chicks. Right now if I take my planchette and start rubbing it all over a girl, I instantly get smacked and kicked in the nads.
But a girl wearing a Ouija Board Skirt? She’s gotta be okay with it if I try to connect with the spirit world(her bedroom). I would just move the planchette over her body and ask if she’s into me. Then she would smile down at me and gently take the planchette, moving it over “YES”. Then I would smile back warmly and take it back and spell out “Should I bring a condom?” because I’m a gentleman after all. That’s when she would glower, yank it from my hand and hover over “goodbye”. *Sad face* I’ll find you one day, true love.
Can You Hear Me Now?: Body Part Earrings Make You All Ears
These body part earrings make quite a statement. They say, “I want- No, I NEED more ears than anyone else. But I only want to dig wax out of two of them.” These earrings are eerie. Get it? Don’t ya just lobe them?
Personal log. Stardate: who the f knows because I sleep in everyday until dark and can’t see the clock radio through the laundry pile… Speaking of ear wax, I’ve just shoved the Q-tip in too far. Again. My attempt at getting enough wax to make an ear wax candle for my Etsy shop is not going well. Not at all. And the voices in my head have started again….
Shhhhhhhh.
Nevermind. False alarm. That was just talk radio being filtered through two pairs of crusty underwear. Is something moving in that pile. *grabs a baseball bat* I’ll be back.
Devil Phone Gives You a Direct Line To Hell
This art piece is appropriately called “He Only Calls Me When He’s Horny“. For the record, I just get busy. I mean to call, but then I get distracted by work, video games, action figures, and writing Star Wars fan-fiction, in that order. By then my schedule is clear enough to fit some other things in. It’s just a coincidence that I’m horny at that time. It has nothing to do with Jar-Jar fisting an Ewok.
Now that that is clear, this phone looks like the devil. And it is totally horny. For some extra creepy reason, it has a soundboard inside that makes it cry like a baby. Only $250.