Tag: figure

Crocheted Freddy Krueger

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Crocheted Freddy Krueger
Exerience the softer side of Freddy with this cute Crocheted Freddy Krueger. He kind of looks like an old man with that hat. Like he’s retired and playing golf in Florida somewhere with other retired movie slashers. The only nightmare on elm street these days are when his back pain is flaring up. Or when the weather makes his joints hurt. Hell, I’m not even scared of him anymore. He probably plays cards with my grandmother and bitches about the price of just about everything. I kinda feel sorry for him. Maybe he’s in an old folks home, drooling in some chair, lazily slashing at the air, reliving his glory days. Mouthing some words that no one can understand. Taking his pills every night.

See. Nothing to be scared of. Unless this is all part of his game to lure me in… Now I’m not sure. I’ll get back to you guys and let you know if I get attacked by this old dude. Or if I end up playing Scrabble with him. Hey, why wouldn’t I play? I like winning. Dude’s a vegetable.

Succusaurus Cacteye Dinosaurs

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Succusaurus Cacteye Dinosaurs
Love these Succusaurus Cacteye Dinosaurs. I just love to say it. You suck! Yeah? Well you succusaurus! You’re a Succusaurus rex! They are a safe place for all of your succulents, but they also create a new dinosaur species. I was trying to figure out what else to say, but I can’t find the right words. Better consult my Thesucusaurus. I mean thesaurus.

It’s like dinosaurs were attacked by plants. From the inside! This is why I don’t eat salads people.
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Harry Potter Skele-Gro Bottles

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Harry Potter Skele-Gro Bottles
I don’t know much about Harry Potter, but these Harry Potter Skele-Gro Bottles are neat. Something about mean adoptive parents, an owl that delivers his mail, Dobby the house elf, flying car, broomstick sports, something something Voldemort.

Will it make my skele grow? I have no idea, but I’d be willing to give it a shot, until my skeleton pops out of my insides and becomes my outsides. I’ll probably drink it and find out it doesn’t work and that I’ve been boned. That sounded bad. I mean scammed. Bamboozled, hoodwinked. Not boned. And certainly not against my will. I’m just ribbing ya. I’m sure everything will be spine.

Pinhead Bunny

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Pinhead Bunny
Holy Jeebus! Pinhead Bunny scares the hell out of me more than raising it. Get it? Hellraiser? Is it Hellraiser or Hellrazor? Nah, that’s just the devil’s Gillette. Anyway, this ain’t no funny bunny? You might call him Hare-raiser! Get it? Man, I crack myself up. Those eyes. That face. That’s gonna be in my nightmares tonight, stoked by the warm fire that is the quart of gin I drank to forget I ever saw this thing. Dude broght his own knives and everything.

I have a plan though. When this thing shows up in my dreams to gnaw at my bones with it’s buck teeth, I’m gonna trick him and Freddy Krueger into killing each other. Then I will finally be at peace. Can’t a guy sleep for one night without freaky freaks invading his dreams?

Cthulhu Priestess: Our Lady of Squid

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Cthulhu Priestess Our Lady of Squid
This Cthulhu Priestess: Our Lady of Squid figure belongs on your altar. I know you have one cuz you worship Cthulhu. Well, now you have another deity to pray to. You know why her religion is taking off so fast? Cuz her church is full of suckers! Get it? Ha ha ha. Suckers. *crying* I really crack myself up. But really, this is Cthulhu’s wife so, it’s legit. I’m pretty sure it is sanctioned by the church and everything.

Our Lady of the Squid,
hallowed be your name.
Your tentacles come,
your will be done,
on earth, as it is in the sea.
Give us this day our daily terror,
and forgive us our non-tentacles arms….
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