Tag: halloween

That’s A Wrap: Mummy Leggings

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

That's A Wrap Mummy Leggings
If you want to look like a yummy mummy below the tummy…Oh turds, I ran out of rhyming words. Be the best dressed mummy this side of de-Nile with these Mummy Leggings. It’s not just a river in Egypt. No, it’s not. I’m denying it. Anywho, these leggings will make you look good when you rise from your crypt in the morning.

I DIYed a pair once, but three thousand band-aids don’t hold up well in the washing machine, which turned them into a small mummy ball. I guess it’s good for mummy soccer. Just an idea I’m kicking around. Do you like that joke? Was it funny? This has been “The Insecure Comedian.” I’ll be here all week, but I won’t make eye contact. How’s my hair? I hope you like me.
Read more “That’s A Wrap: Mummy Leggings”

This Dinosaur Dress Is Dino-Mite

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

dino dress
Nothing says fashion like two dinosaurs on either side of your bosom. There are 3 dinosaurs if you count the wearer of this dinosaur dress. Cuz girl, you are a Leg-O-saurus Rex. I bet she has a nice Jur-ass-ic park in back. If a girl ever gives me the time of day, I hope it’s her.

Let’s play Jurassic poker. I call. What do you have. Only a pair of twos. I have a full house. *Throws a sponge meteor at her.* Looks like your kind is extinct. Better lose that top!

Awesome! Now I can wear it.
Read more “This Dinosaur Dress Is Dino-Mite”

It’s For You: Skeleton Hand Phone Lamp

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

skeleton phone
Riiiiiinnnnngggggggggg! Riiiiiinnnnngggggggggg! It’s for you. Oh, thanks! What the shizz?! This cool Skeleton Hand Phone Lamp will light your home and make it look like a skeleton is picking up the phone for you.

*Calls the repairman* Creepy Phone and Lamp Repair Inc.? Hey, the phone part of my lamp doesn’t work. It never rings.

I’ll come out and look at it.

*Two hours later. Creepy looking Beetlejuice looking guy shows up.*

What do we have here?

The ringer doesn’t work!

Hmmmmm. There’s your problem. The ring finger is broken. I see this all the time. *Puts a ring on it.* Goodbye!

*Calls back* It’s still not working. I can call out, but it never rings.

Okay, hang up. I’ll try the line.

Riiiiiinnnnngggggggggg! Riiiiiinnnnngggggggggg!

It works! It works!

Yeah and I think we know what the problem is now. It’s cuz you have no friends. *Sad silence* Fine! I’ll come over and we can play with your bone-phone loser-lamp.

Haunted Candle Set

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

haunted candles
I hate these haunted candles. I always wind up in a staring contest with them, which only ends when the wax melts down and burns their eyeballs. Or mine. I guess I shouldn’t stand so close. Some people never learn.*Checks my scalp burns on my bald head. Hey I have some stubble now. Cool.*

Look at how surprised they look that their head is on fire. That’s the same face I made. That’s also the face I’m making right now. Prairie-doggin’ it something fierce. I’m out guys. I’ll probably make that face one more time when I discover we are out of toilet paper. Yep. Just happened.
Read more “Haunted Candle Set”

Halloween Spell Books

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Halloween Spell Books
Ohhhhhh. Halloween Spell Books from HauntedMoonEmporium. I hope they have something that turns Necco Wafers into Kit-Kats cuz that really pisses me off. Reminds me of that one Halloween when I found a spell book by a hot cauldron and a pile of ashes with a witch hat on top. I remember it well:

*Re-reads the page.* Okay, it says to lay my hand flat and put a tootsie roll on each finger and on my palm. Alacashizz. Alacashat. By moonlight, by moonlight. The bat took a crap! *Blinding flash of light* Da fuq? *Turns my new tootsie roll hand around and inspects it.*

I was stuck with that damn candy hand for 2 years! Okay, I lied. It only lasted for like a week, cuz I kept sucking on it. Then my hand grew back. Witches. Who writes spells like that? Probably that weird homeless lady with the mole on her nose, who keeps stalking me and licking at her fingers. Something tells me our paths will cross again.
Read more “Halloween Spell Books”