Tag: halloween

This Veins and Arteries Necklace Set Is A Real Pain In The Neck

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veins and arteries necklace
Whoa! This Veins and Arteries Necklace Set makes it look like you have some serious blood problems, because everyone can see your veins.

You’re so vein. You probably think this post is about you. Don’t you? Don’t you? Don’t you?

This 2 necklace set puts your insides on your outside. Not for me though. Veiny days and Mondays always get me down. And that’s all of the music jokes I’m writing today, because you young whippersnappers won’t even get it. Seriously. Listen to some music from before you were born once in a while. I practice what I preach. Which is why I have an old-timey wax cylinder record player with a giant cone for a speaker. Got a date with a flapper tonight too. Hoping to get all dirty and nasty up in this hizzouse and see some ankle.

Ghoulish Book of Grammar

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ghoulish grammar book
Grammar Nazis hate me, because I ain’t speak proper engrish. This Ghoulish Book of Grammar might help. It basically teaches adult weirdos about the ABCs using horror characters and nightmarish images. It will scare you into proper grammar. Won’t work on me though. I learned my grammar in the slammer son. Thug life.

I was in for like 24 hours in the drunk tank. Sounds fun, I know, but despite the name, it really is NOT a tank of alcohol you get to swim around in. It’s more like a tank of vomit and urine. And some crazy-eyed dude named Pedro who tells you you are pretty as he sniffs your hair.
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Hand-Crafted Coffin Display Case / Book Shelf

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coffin display case
Who says that the art of reading is dead? No really. Who said that? I can’t remember. Well, reading isn’t dead, but that doesn’t mean you can’t treat your books like a corpse and store them in a coffin. This Coffin Display Case / Book Shelf is the perfect place for all of your scary book and terrifying tomes.

It’s a tomb for your tomes. I made a funny! Also made a funny earlier after eating 3 cheeseburgers and 2 orders of fries. Though it wasn’t funny for the pimply-face Burger king employee named Earl who entered with a respirator and a mop bucket soon after I left. The women in my life all be like, “Did you have a salad?” Yes, I did. A “side salad”, which I left on the side as per the name. Any other questions?

Beetlejuice Art Doll

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beetlejuice art doll
Itttt’s showtime! Beetlejuice! Betelguese! Beetleguese! Ah hell. Why do I always do exactly what I’m not supposed to do? Now Micheal Keaton just showed up in my house. He’s making a sandwich right now and feeding the cat. I think we’re roommates now. He cried like a little girl when I told him Birdman sucked. Gonna get him some black/white striped pajamas and some face paint so he can re-enact stuff from Beetlejuice.

This Beetlejuice doll stands 19 inches tall and is pretty awesome. It makes far less noise than SOME people when he chews his sandwich. I’m looking at you Mike. You are Birdman. Peck at it. Don’t chew with your beak full.

Plush Spider Baby: Made From The Souls Of Your Old Toys

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plush spider babyDo you have a bunch of old toys that you would like to re-animate? Cool. Etsy sappymoosetree will work some strange cultist magic and turn your old toys into a kick-ass plush spider baby. Not sure if that involves zapping it with lightning or not, but once this thing comes to life, all of the toys in your house are dead.

And since it will have the souls of all of your old toys and the ones it just ate, it will be an unstoppable force of evil. It may even mutate again all on it’s own. If this thing wanders into a Toys R Us we are all screwed!
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