Tag: halloween

Cthulhu, Krampus, and Bigfoot Sweaters

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

monster sweatersHalloween is almost here and you know what that means. Yep. My dentist and your dentist are gonna be going to Hawaii in their new private jet. Meanwhile I’m all about cruising through traffic on my moped, trying not to pass out from tooth pain. Was probably that Twix bar and Neco wafer salad I had for lunch.

Also, it means wear a sweater. It’s getting downright cold. And since it is the season of weird scary creatures, try one of these sweaters from Middle of Beyond. These pullover sweaters and cardigans have patterns featuring Cthulhu, Bigfoot, Krampus and more.
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Spooky Star Wars Candles

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

spooky star wars candlesLet these Star Wars candles from the dark side, light up your room. Darth Vader finds your lack of spooky Star Wars candles disturbing. Don’t disappoint him. Besides you need some extra light right? I know I could use some extra light. I guess the electric company doesn’t appreciate being paid in piggybank coins and lint. The joke’s on them though. I just connected to the neighbors Wi-Fi to type this. Who names their Network Connection “Neighbor creeper with the f***ed up website not invited”? Did we get new neighbors? I didn’t see a moving truck. He has a website too. Cool. We have something in common. Now if they just had these in star wars vehicles.
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Zombie Side Table

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

zombie slave tableThis $300 Zombie Slave Side Table will teach those Zombies what happens when they mess with you. Try to eat my brain and you’ll be on your knees serving me my dinner, with a chain around your neck. I have another brain-eater in the bathroom, holding my toilet paper roll on his index fingers.

Now I’m gonna put my food down on the glass surface. DO NOT eat it. No! No! Bad Zombie! Get your tongue out of my pudding. Do you not know what getting smacked in the nose by a rolled up newspaper means?

Just In Time For Halloween: Zombie Chia Pets

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

chia pet zombiesThese Zombie Chia pets are like regular Chia Pets, just more undead. You can choose from an arm reaching up out of the grave, Lifeless Lisa, or Creepy Holden. All will be green and undead. They are going to look great as a Halloween display. Lifeless Lisa looks just like my Grandma, who definitely needs some conditioner.

I swear, I could give her that one, put it in front of a framed piece of aluminum foil and she would think she was looking in the mirror. Silly oldsters! No, I don’t know why your hair is still green despite your shampooing it a hundred times. Just get in the car. Do you want your prescription or not? And remember, the mirrors in the outside world lie. Trust no one. Except for me. You’re still leaving me some property right?
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Custom Venus Flytrap Halloween Prop

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

venus flytrapGreat. Halloween will be here soon. Or as I like to call it, “The one night I get to walk down the street and sh*t myself repeatedly because everything and everyone in the neighborhood are all scary and out to get me.” I’m not afraid though. This year I’m wearing my big-boy pants. A 40 waist if you must know. But I’m gonna work out on Halloween. Just long enough to get some candy.

Gonna be brave and not yell for my mommy this year when a mummy hands me candy and brushes my hand. I mean, I’m still gonna shriek and run to her(She waits on the sidewalk), but I’m not gonna freak out and have her call me a “fat pasty man-baby” again as she curses my father.

Anyway, check out this awesome $900 Venus Fly Trap Halloween prop. Gonna put this outside so it will be the flies that sh*t themselves.
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