Tag: halloween

We’re Going To Need A Bigger Boot: Scary Giant Spider

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huge spiderGet it off me! Get it off me! Oh, it’s just on the screen. Thank God. I thought I was going to have to jump on the chair and scream like a little girl again. It would suck to have that happen twice at the same coffee shop. However I’m pretty confident that I could walk away with dry pants this time. Holy mother of all spiders! This is a large 36″ x 48″ x 24″ badass spider made from 80% foam, 15% latex, and 5% metal.

What’s with that color and pattern on the butt-sack? Does that mean poisonous or is it just meant to give it’s prey a psych evaluation? I see a butterfly…..Well, I’m not sure what it is. It floats like a butterfly, but stings like a bee. I KNOW. It’s Muhammad Ali. AWESOME GUESS. TELL HIM WHAT HE WON BOB!

YOU WIN…GETTING KICKED OUT OF THE COFFEE SHOP FOR LOSING CONTROL OF YOUR BLADDER AFTER ALL. THAT AND LIVING IN HORROR EVERY TIME YOU SEE AN EIGHT-LEGGED CREATURE!

Bone Jet (Joan Jett) Figure

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bone jetIt’s Bone Jet. And she really has a bone to pick with that guitar. This figure moves and the eyes light up. I saw her in concert once. Awesome show. The set list was great. She played:

I”mmmm a bag of bones,
Put another dime in the jukebox baby.

Followed by one from her days with the Runaways:

Hello Daddy, Hello Mom
I need some Ca ca ca calcium

Awesome night, but she’s getting older now. The last song was nothing but creaky joints that replaced the guitar.*Ow! My hip! I knew I shouldn’t have made fun of her.*

Haunted House Black Beeswax Candle

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haunted house candleThis haunted house candle made from beeswax will let you do something you’ve always wanted to do. Burn down a haunted house and send the ghouls back to their ever lovin’ hell. When you get to the bottom of the candle and it’s nothing but a gooey pile of waxy rubble, you can be all like, “Haha ghosts. Now what are you gonna haunt?” *You* “Wait. What?” *How did you think it worked?*

“I can reshape this beeswax in no time. Just give me like 4 hours.” *Why 4 hours?* “I have kind of an attention deficit problem. I was gonna play Mario Kart, but then I pet a cat, then noticed the internet. That reminded me about Minecraft and a few hours later, I looked up, saw the candle and lit it because…fire.” *Booming voice* MORON *whoooooosh* *curtains lift in the breeze*

Well, there’s another ghost successfully banished. Out you pixies go, through the door or out the window. Oh look, a cat video.
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Belly-Bursting Baby Halloween Costume

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baby belly halloween costumeThis Belly-Bursting Baby Halloween Costume can be easily made at home by making sweet love to a mutant and not using birth control. Mutant babies always burst out of the belly near Halloween, holding their own trick or treat bag.

Not saying I’m a mutant, but I don’t care if this thing burst out of my wife’s belly or not, I’m still getting all of the Reese’s cups this Halloween. And you better finish coming out. Feels weird now when we spoon. You keep moving your little fingers like so it feels like a centipede on my back. And what’s with that weird O face? It’s creepy. No way. You are NOT stuck. Get out the rest of the way now!
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Crazy Werewolf Transformation Mask

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werewolf maskMake everyday a full moon with this crazy Werewolf Transformation Mask. You’ll have to provide your own sounds of bones breaking and tendons tearing as you transform and puke up a friggin’ Werewolf snout from your mouth. This sweet mask is just $52 and it will scare the hell out of everybody.

I actually grew up thinking I was a werewolf. Dad used to lock me up in a metal room once a month on the full moon. He told me I was a werewolf and it was for my own good. So I would freak out and claw up the walls, throw my own feces and wonder why I wasn’t all hairy. Then in the morning he let me out. Turns out that was how mom and dad got me out of their way for “date night”.

Mom, why are you walking funny? Did I get out of the cage and hurt you? Yes. Yes you did. You are a bad werewolf boy.