Tag: jewelry

Gothic Bat Necklace

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Gothic Bat Necklace
Even if you don’t know much about fashion and style, you can always wing it with this Gothic Bat Necklace. Get it? Wing it? Oh, this would look lovely on you Morticia. You too Elvira. Yeah, so what if I’m a name dropper? Once I dropped my friend Jennifer’s name. Broke a few letters. Now she’s just Jen. No, not Jenny from the block. Jenny the checkout girl from the store down the street. Nah, she doesn’t work the register. I just like to check her out. Well, not like a library book or anything. She doesn’t have time and date stamps down her spine from me checking her out.

Oh man, I get so off track after like 4 cups of coffee. Also after some D cups. Any size really. Damn, I’m really tweakin’ here guys. Off track like a wrecked race car. Okay, calm down. I can do this. *Takes a deep breath.*

Basically I’m trying to say that this Bat Necklace is awesome. It’s the bees knees. The bat’s knees. Bat-knee. Is that bat acne? I have no guano idea.

I’m out. Gonna go run around the house and scream until I feel normal again.

Leather Dragon Eye Bracelets

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Leather Dragon Eye Bracelets
Check out these Leather Dragon Eye Bracelets from LeasBoutique. They have all kinds of cool bracelets. Soooooo hypnotizing. *Feels sleepy* Yes master. I will wear one on each wrist, then look into the eyes and become one with the dragon spirit. Then I will feel the wrath of the mighty dragon like a storm within me. *Shakes it off and comes to.*

A week later:

Okay, my dragon eye bracelets are here! *Attaches one to each wrist. Crosses wrists like Wonder Woman and locks my eyes with dragon eyes.* That’s strange. Nothing’s happening. What a rip. I mean they’re beautiful and all, but- Oh man. Sudden diarrhea belly. I’m feeling the wrath of the mighty dragon like a storm within me alright. I’ll be back later peeps.
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Twinkle Tush: Jewelry For You Cat’s Butt

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twinkle tush
Twinkle Tush. It’s no longer just a crude name shouted at me by construction workers, accompanied by whistles and catcalls. It’s my own fault for sewing bicycle reflectors into the butts of cut-off jeans. Hey, I like to walk at night. Safety first, fashion last. Anyway, Twinkle Tush is also shiny cat jewelry. I’m talkin’ ice. Bling bling. For your cat’s puckered butt-ring.

True to it’s name, it makes your cat’s butt twinkle like a Solid Gold Dancer. Did I date myself with that sentence? In that case, Imma go cuddle myself and have a smoke now. Maybe stroke my hair and whisper, then fall asleep. Was it good for me? It was the best baby.
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Gold Gilded Bat Necklace

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Gold Gilded Bat Necklace
Sweet! A Gold Gilded Bat Necklace. I’ve read all of the folklore, researched every legend surrounding this artifact. Now it’s mine. *Moves my hands like Indy trying to judge the weight of the golden idol.* OW! Damnit! Hurt my hand reaching into the screen, trying to snatch it.

Seriously though, the legend of the Gold Gilded Bat Necklace goes way back to Bab-Bologna-ian times. It was first worn by Bertha Batty Butt, bat-nosed Queen of a long forgotten dynasty. She ruled with an iron fist, a big butt and an army of bats, who also had big butts. It impaired flight. Probably why her rule was so short.

See, it’s not always about me being stupid. Sometimes you learn stuff.

Skeleton Hand Ring

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skeleton hand ring
Chicks be like “When ya gonna commit and make an honest woman out of me?” and I’m all like, “If you want a ring, I’ll dial your number.” Then I just walk away. Nah. I wish I was cool like that. No girl girl is asking me to put a ring around her finger. But if they did, I would give them this cool Skeleton Hand Ring, cuz it probably feels all creepy, like you have a baby constantly clutching your finger. A tiny bony baby, with skulls for knuckles.

Boom! There’s my next business idea. Skeleton Brass knuckles for babies. I’ll call my line of accessories Badass Baby. No, make that Bad(Powdered-Ass) Baby. Cuz their butts are always powdered.