Tag: novelty

I Love The Poop Out Of You Toilet Paper

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I Love The Poop Out Of You Toilet Paper
I love you guys. And to show you, here’s some I Love The Poop Out Of You Toilet Paper. I really do you know. Glad to help you evacuate your colon. This is the perfect Valentine’s Day gift for anyone, because we all have to poop. I know that I want others to think about me every time they wipe.

It’s functional. It’s thoughtful. It gets your butt clean. Give them chocolates to make them poop and then give them the gift of wiping. Like my dad used to say to my mom, “Here’s something for your mouth and something for your butt. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Gothic Coffin Coin Purse

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Gothic Coffin Coin Purse
Some of you Goths are starting to get up there in age. It happens. Well, now you can be that cool old lady with the spider and death tattoos who carries this Gothic Coffin Coin Purse and takes forever to pay. I’ll be the guy further back in line making the comment about how Stevie Nicks didn’t age so well. Feel free to step back and punch me. What do you mean Stevie Nicks isn’t goth? Oh well. Goth, Gypsy… It’s all the same to me as long as you keep those caravans off my lawn and don’t steal any of the neighborhood children.

That reminds me of a good joke. What kind of computer does Stevie Nicks have? A PC? Nope. A Mac. A Fleetwood Mac. I’m a riot. That’s probably why the cops show up so often.
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Bunny Butts In A Flower Pot

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Bunny Butts In A Flower Pot
Give the gift of Bunny Butts In A Flower Pot this Valentine’s Day or Easter. Because there’s nothing quite like being mooned by nature’s carrot eaters. Reminds me of that time I fell in and got stuck in the garbage can cuz the wife threw out a Reeses cup. On one hand, it was like being in a dark mine shaft upside down. On the up side, the wife had also thrown out a box of twinkies so… I had provisions.

Thank God for the fire department who used a dremmel to cut the garbage can in half. But not before using my exposed plumbers crack as a tool tray. “YO, that screwdriver is cold!” The other half of the garbage can was stuck to my gut for like a week until I lost weight. Kids called me “Fatty the Scottish Knight”. You know, cuz of my metal kilt and all. Kids can be so cruel.

Black Death Soap

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Black Death Soap
Black Death Soap. Do you use this to get rid of the black death or do you get it from the soap? I have no idea, but I know there is a plague doctor right on front. So I know it’s plague doctor approved. I’m just not sure what his intentions are. What kind of business does he have his beak in now? You can’t trust them. I heard if you let them peck some seed out of your hand, they’ll give you the really good medicine. You know what I’m talkin; bout! The good stuff. Black Plague or not, you will be on cloud nine, and you won’t care what happened to clouds one through eight.

I’m talking Robitussin obviously. Which goes by the street name ‘Tussin. Also Nyquil. If you’re anything like me, after two doses you won’t care that the bird in that rainy back alley behind the Quickie Mart isn’t a real plague doctor. You’re just happy he prescribed the good stuff.

Alien Couture: Cthulhu Dress

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Alien Couture Cthulhu Dress
When I talk to Cthulhu I look him in the eye. And if I ever get a chance to talk to a girl wearing this Cthulhu Dress, I’m gonna look her in Cthulhu’s eyes too and compliment them. Get it? The eyes at where the boobies are. *Giggles.* You look lovely in that dress. It has awakened an ancient evil from down below, if you know what I mean. Wink wink. Nudge nudge. What I’m saying is, you have nice tentacles. I’m saying you’re a hot mess in a Cthulhu dress.

Wear these with some Kraken heels and I’m yours honey. You drive me insane. No really. It’s a short drive, but it’s full of potholes and toll roads. Let’s take tha road trip together.