Tag: novelty

Green Glass Eyeball Ring

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Green Glass Eyeball Ring
Keep your eye on the prize. Or you know, on your finger. This Green Glass Eyeball Ring is all seeing, all knowing, and all eyeball. Now I’m no pupil of style and fashion, but I’ll ask my friend Iris what she thinks. Get it? That was just a cornea little eyeball joke. You know what they say, booty is in the eye of the beholder. No, I didn’t mistype beauty. Booty is what I look at. It’s in my eye most hours of the day and I am the beholder. I have probably even seen your butt and approved.

Anyway, back to the ring. Not like *ding-ding* entering the boxing ring. This eye ring silly. It’s not bloodshot, it’s not yellow. All in all it’s very healthy looking. I say go for it. Though I can’t tell if it smells, so there is a chance they’ll give ya the stink-eye.
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Viagra Neck Tie Surprisingly Hangs Limp From Your Neck

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Viagra Neck Tie Surprisingly Hangs Limp From Your Neck
This Viagra Neck Tie let’s the entire world know about your erectile dysfunction. Your pee-pee may not work properly, but that doesn’t mean you can’t dress smart. This tie lets other men know that you are not a threat to their woman. It lets women know that you are about as much of a threat to them as a wet noodle. Or do I have that backwards? I guess it tells people that you can shag for hours and that you are always up for some naughty fun time.

This tie is not for everyone. Side effects may include: Tie suddenly going upright and stiff in your face.

Varnished Cotton Briefs: Mom’s E.R. Nightmare

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Varnished Cotton Briefs Mom's E.R. Nightmare
When I first saw these Varnished Cotton Briefs, I thought someone had been going through my drawers. Hey, don’t judge. I had an accident at the chocolate factory. The factory was my butt. All of the employees are now laid off. I couldn’t afford all of them working overtime and getting triple pay on taco night. By them I mean the magic gremlins that live in my colon.

This decorative pair of underwear is the crustiest, the most vile, the dirtiest pair of nad covers I have ever seen. Them is some crusty crack coveralls. Seriously, it has real crust. And not the good stuffed crust kind. What is that stuff? This nasty specimen is based on that old gem that mom’s always throw at you before you leave the house. “You better put on clean underwear in case you get into an accident.” Good advice, cuz if you show up at the E.R. wearing these, the CDC is getting involved and whole towns will get shut down. I don’t blame them at all.

This sellers mom never bothered telling them to put on clean underwear. Apparently their mom just tells them to varnish it and put it on Etsy.

Adult Sized Ostrich Hop Ball

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Adult Sized Ostrich Hop Ball
Sweet! An Adult Sized Ostrich Hop Ball. I’ll finally be able to ostrich-size myself before others can do it to me. And check out that graphic down below! It’s totally safe compared to riding a real Ostrich. That’s cool, cuz I do NOT want to go through that again. I’m gonna hop my ostrich all over town, make it stick it’s head in the sand, then get into some hardcore ostrich jousting at that illegal ostrich jousting place down the street. Make it shake it’s tail feathers. Make it try to fly hang glider style. Give it a ostrich tattoo. Play Poker with it into the wee hours of the morning.

Just me and my ostrich, hopping all over the place. Here comes Peter ostrich tail, hoppin’ down the ostrich trail, hippity hoppity, ostrich is on the way…

It’s adult size so my enjoyment and use of it for transport is perfectly acceptable. You don’t need a license to ride a bird that can’t fly. That you hop on. You don’t right? I don’t think you do.
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Ghostbusters Terror Dog Ring

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Ghostbusters Terror Dog Ring
I know what you’re thinking. You saw that headline and you thought there was a Terror Dog Ring operating out of your city. You probably pictured scary dogs wearing gangster suits, who also happen to bust ghosts. That’s what I thought too, but nope. It’s the actual terror dog from Ghostbusters, in ring form.

Wear a couple so people will look at your hand and go, “Nice dogs man!” This thing doesn’t scare me. That hot dog I had at the ballpark last year, that was a terror dog. If you want to glue someone to a toilet seat for like 4 hours, forget superglue. Feed them a substandard mystery meat hot dog and wash it down with like a half gallon of coke.