Tag: novelty

Beetlejuice Rotary Phone

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Beetlejuice Rotary Phone
This Beetlejuice Rotary Phone will be ringing off the hook as BJ tries to get in touch with you and make you say his name three times. I’m not falling for that again. I just refer to him as BJ these days, but it’s causing some trouble in my life.

*Looking at action figures at a flea market.* See anything you like? *Eyes the Michael Keaton figure.* Yeah, how about that BJ? *SMACK* What the deuce lady! Oh I get it. Sorry.

*Planning a romantic evening with a hot babe* Wanna watch a movie? Sure, which one? I’m thinking something in an extended directors cut. Soooo, maybe a really long BJ. That might be nice. *SLAP* Hey stop clawing my arms up and kicking me. Fine we can watch a romantic comedy! Damn.

Yeah, I really have to come up with a better name for you know who.
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Jesus And Germs Soap Dispenser

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Jesus And Germs Soap Dispenser
This Jesus And Germs Soap Dispenser says that we have to wash our hands and say our prayers because Jesus is everywhere. True that. He’s especially in those big buildings with the stained glass and pointy tops. Oh yeah, they’re called churches. Well if Jesus wanted me to wash my hands, he wouldn’t have turned all of that water into wine. That means he wants me to wash my hands with wine. Which means that wine is great for washing my insides free of germs and sin. Which in turn, is why I drink from my dad’s wine bottles and then top them off with vinegar. Last night my dad got real drunk, but smelled all feminine fresh.

Anywho, Jesus is everywhere. Even on this blog, shaking his head, but laughing at my antics. Dude loves me. I can get away with anything. Except for that hooker and the trunk full of blow incident last year. Trust me, Moses and the burning bush reads a whole new way after God smites you with a mega STD with crabs piled on top.

Year of the Goat Canvas Art Print

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year of the goatIs it the year of the goat? I had no idea. I guess all of those goats in party hats celebrating the new year should have clued me in. I just thought they were trying to get my goat. Anyway, this Year of the Goat Canvas Art Print shows you how goats party down. Or is it party up? I have no idea since the only parties I attend are pity parties and I’m the only guy there. Goats know how to live it up. They have the best sweaters and blow bubbles everywhere while dancing to a tune on the boombox.

I bet that goat doesn’t have a job or anything. And you know what an unemployed goat is called right? Billy Idol! Heh. Why are they called Billy Goats anyway? You goat me. See what I did there? I goat ya again. That was too easy. I’m the king of goat jokes. I know, you’re thinking, “Goat the f**k outta here!” Fine, I’m gone.

Victorian Skeleton Wearing A Steampunk Bonnet

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Victorian Skeleton Wearing A Steampunk Bonnet
This Victorian Skeleton Wearing A Steampunk Bonnet is pretty cool. Shelley the Steampunk skeleton sells seashells by the seashore. I just said that fast three times and totally aced it. Yay me! My words are working great today. *Ignores the skeleton and whispers to the bonnet.* Did somebody put a bee in your bonnet? I know right. There’s a b in your bonnet. Get it? A real biatch. Don’t tell her I said so. I just don’t like the way her gears are grinding at me. She scares me.

You’ll go nuts for this statue. And bolts. And gears. And rivets. You got a lot of brass showing up here lady! Get it? Brass? Steampunk and brass? Now I wanna see the Terminator arrive in Victorian London and wed her. Then they could give birth to baby skynet and kill us all. Get on that Hollywood.

Skeleton Zipper Hoodie In White Bones And Red Bones

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Skeleton Zipper Hoodie In White Bones And Red Bones
Check out these awesome Skeleton Zipper Hoodie In White Bones And Red Bones. I’ll get the white one and you get the red one, then we’ll be in rival skeleton gangs. I’ll call my gang the Fractured Tibias and you can call yours the Raging Red Skulls. I’ll always lose cuz my bones are brittle, but I promise I’ll always put up a good fight. I’m scrappy like that. SCRAPPY. Man, I’m getting pumped! Did you just flash gang signs at me? Oh, cool. Respect my bony brotha from anotha skeleton motha. We all good!
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