Tag: novelty

Cartoon Jean Leggings With Rips And Tears

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

tell it like you jean it
Hey lady, nice jeans. *Bats eyelashes.* Thanks, I guess I’m just drawn that way.

Why buy jeans when you’re just going to get holes and tears in them? Why buy jeans with holes and tears in them already? You can just buy these Cartoon Jean Leggings With Rips And Tears. The jeans are fake and so is all of the wear. Plus they look sexy as hell. Hey, I like a good cartoon butt as much as the next guy.

Cartoon butts just make me nuts!
These jeans don’t house no Pizza Huts.

Stuffed crust. Thin crust.
These butts don’t care.

They’re looking good in cartoon wear.

Undead Graveyard Zombie Toilet Paper Holder

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Undead Graveyard Zombie Toilet Paper Holder
*Looks at the Undead Graveyard Zombie Toilet Paper Holder. Too lazy to reach.* Yo Undead Ed over there! Close your rotten mouth and quit gawking at me. Hand my some crack-paper. I need like 10 sheets. This is the kind of paperwork that keeps me working after hours and I ain’t gettin’ no time and a half. That thing was like a loaf and a half cuz I baked it all day and just now pinched it off. Whew! I really need a fan in here.

No? You’re just gonna stare. Fine, I’ll get it myself.
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Underpants Wallet

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Underpants Wallet
I think I’m gonna get this Underpants Wallet so that the next time I have to make a Doritos run at 3 AM, I have something that matches my outfit. Which is cheeto-stained underwear and an unbuttoned flannel shirt. Oh and flip-flops. Hey, “No shirt, no shoes no service.” Even I have to follow the rules, despite being a blogging rockstar.

I’ll also have two Slim-Jims my good man. The clerk will be pleased I have a less sweaty place to hold my cash. Cuz that flannel shirt has no pockets.

My Little Pony Rainbow Dash Heels: Friendship Is Dollar Bills

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My Little Pony Rainbow Dash Stripper Shoes
People, people, people. I implore you. (Look at me using the big words) Ya gotta keep your girls off the pole. Otherwise they’ll end up dancing in some dark stinky nightclub dancing in these My Little Pony Rainbow Dash Stripper Shoes for some sweaty fat creep who has like two dollars to his name and crumbs all over his shirt. I only went that one time, but that’s beside the point.

Why do they say Toxic Cherry on the side? Cuz when you pop that cherry, it’s like a pinata full of STDs in a green cloud. I’m just guessing. Rainbow Dash? More like Rainbow cash. Or My Little Pole-ny!
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Antique Skull Travel Cases

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Antique Skull Travel Cases
These Antique Skull Travel Cases are a cool way to creep out the TSA while traveling.

Whatcha got in there?

Nothin’.

Mind if I take a look.

I would rather you not.

Open up the case sir.

It was your idea. You open it. *Backs up slowly.*

*Guy hits the buttons and the case lid flies open. Two midgets in full clown costumes climb out. One of them kicks the guy in the nads. As he’s doubled over, the other midget clown pushes the dude, who falls into the suitcase, screaming as if he’s falling forever. Both midget clowns climb back inside and close the lid.*

*Looks around airport. Tries to act nonchalant.*

We all good guys?

*There’s a knock on the suitcase from inside.* Awesome. *Goes on my way, whistling.*