Tag: novelty

The Book of Yeezus: A Book That Celebrates Kanye West

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book of yeezus
The Book of Yeezus is the bible, well, not the entire bible. Who has time for that? It is the book of Genesis, with “Kanye” or “Yeezus” in the place of the word God. “In the beginning Kanye created the heaven and the earth… And Kanye said, Let there be light: and there was light.”

Probably because Kim Kardashian moved her big fat mudflaps out from in front of the lamp. Damn, that badonkadonk could eclipse the twin suns of Tatooine. BUT it would need a landspeeder all to itself. Sadly, it would no longer speed. And it would really be stuck on land.

I would never read this book. I never read the first one, so I don’t know why I would read the reboot. You so silly Hollywood. Plus, I never read anything that isn’t in HD and doesn’t have explody stuff with guns that never hit other people. And I only put the subtitles on because mom’s trying to sleep and my step-dad for the week is all like, “Tell that nerd to lower the volume. It’s a basement, not a frat house. I can hear everything that goes on down there. Now let me rub this all over your sweet sexy body…”

*raises a cheeto to my mouth as I shudder/cry and watch the movie*

Dear Yeezus!

Creepy Coin Eating Bank

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creepy face coin bank
You could buy this Creepy Coin Eating Bank, but chances are you already have one. It’s called a kid. Those little wallet-thumpers eat money like there’s no tomorrow. And guess what? There is no tomorrow. Because you have kids. And no money for cool stuff. All of your tomorrows are gone. Suckers. That’ll teach ya to not wear a rubber. You don’t see me with a grubby little money-vacuum hanging off my leg. I-

*Ding-Dong!* *Opens door.* *Looks at the little fat kid that was left on my doorstep. Kid looks back.*

I know. I know. Your mom left you here, because she can no longer take care of you and she somehow thinks I have loads of money right? Shut up. I know you’re my kid, not because you’re a little fatty, although that definitely weighs in your favor. No pun intended. I know, because you’re carrying that giant box of chocolate everywhere, just like this little fatty used to do.*Fights back tears*

Take it. This is like 500 in cash. I was gonna get a new PS4 tonight. Now get out of here before we both start crying.*sniffle* *Shuts door.* *Collects myself and looks through peephole. Sees kid going crazy outside, dancing.*

Hears: “Hey dad that crazy f***er just won me the school contest! He didn’t even buy any candy. I just won a PS4!”

God damn it!

Glow-In-The-Dark Solar System Womens Bikini Underwear

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glow in the dark underwear
Undies. The final frontier. I’m talking Glow-in-the-Dark Solar System Underwear. Hey girl, I’ll let you orbit around my Venus if you let me circle around Uranus! No? That’s cool. I like you, you got a way about you. A “milky way”. *Leans back. Looks cool.* Wanna go for a ride? In my Saturn? No again? Too bad. You really have my mercury rising.

Etsy seller makeitgoodpdx offers all kinds of Glow-in-the-Dark underwear for men and women. Let’s all wear them tonight and go outside at an agreed upon time. Because it’s all about making the Star Trek, not the Star Wars.

Nuclear Family Nesting Dolls: Mutated Matryoshkas

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mutant nuclear family matryoshka nesting dolls
This menagerie of mutant Matryoshkas look murderous and malevolent. Gotta be honest. Not even sure I spelled matryoshka right. Spell check isn’t helping. It does have “try” in it, so as long as you try, that’s all that counts.

These five nesting dolls are a real nuclear family. They have the radiation, falling out teeth, blisters and the odd tentacle or two to prove it too. I haven’t seen a family so ugly since I made my own. Not now junior, daddy’s working. Here’s a pork chop. The dog will play with you now.
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Bigfoot Chia Pet: Cr- Cr- Cr- Cryptid

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bigfoot chia pet
Now you can have a Bigfoot sighting on your kitchen counter top or table. This Bigfoot Chia Pet has traded in his stinky fur in for some green herbs. It looks like a stylish Sasquatch business suit that he grew himself. Plus it makes a comfy bed. That he can wear and poop in and stuff, while he’s rubbing his big old Bigfoot butt against trees. I wish I could wear my own bed. How com the Sasquatch can just drop and sleep wherever he is and I can’t?

I’m making my own Chia suit. Not only will it be super comfy, but it will definitely make me smell better too. It beats the one I’m wearing now. Makes me all itchy. I picked a bunch of leaves near some geek convention or something, because the sign said Poison Ivy. Bah. I didn’t see any hot cosplayer covered in greenery or even Batman. Man, I’m really itching and burning. Should I be able to scratch clear down to my bone like that, through a blistery and bloody hole?
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