Tag: soap

Realistic Severed Fingers Soaps

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realistic finger soap
La di da di da. *scrubbin’ away in the shower.* Oh that feels good. Can’t forget the butt crack. Wait a minute, whose- Oh it’s just my Realistic Severed Fingers Soaps. I thought I was going to have a problem there for a minute, but it’s my soap. I bought it. That makes it consensual. Still a surprise, but consensual.

I might consider melting these together so it feels like someone else is bathing me. Is that weird? What about putting a ring on one and pretending I am a blushing bride, just whisked off to my honeymoon in the Alps? The fire is blazing, the bath is warm and I’m innocent as can be as fingers gently wash my back.

Weird? Yeah, I’ll just stick with my fish in a bag soap.
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Fish In A Bag Soap

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fish in a bag soap
This Fish In A Bag Soap is supposed to look like those fish you win at a carnival that die as soon as you get home and put it in the tank. Of course, the last time that happened it was entirely my fault. Fish flakes/fish sticks? How do I know what they eat? It’s not like I’m friggin’ Aquaman over here.

Be right back! Okay I’m back. Had to remove another floater from the tank. No, not another dead fish. The crapper won’t flush. It’s cool. Just tossed it outside so I can blame the neighbor’s dog later. Aren’t you glad you don’t live by me? Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, fish in a bag. It’s a fun way to keep clean. If you’re a weirdo. Which I am.
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Soap Pistol With .45 Caliber Bullet Candles

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bullet candles
I have never been so dirty that I have needed a gun and some bullets to get clean. But just in case I ever am that filthy, I’m going to get me this Soap Pistol With .45 Caliber Bullet Candles. I can look tough while bathing, as I rub this gun all over my body, under the light cast from some bullet candles.

Pew! Pew! Pew! Hey, my gun is shrinking! Is that normal? No, not that gun!

This is my rifle, this is my gun. One is for bathing and one is for fun!

Get Clean Lickety Split With Tongue Soap

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tongue soap
Dogs do it. Cats do it. You should too. I’m not talking about licking your own butt while you stick your leg in the air like some carnival freak. I am talking about cleaning yourself. With your tongue. Your soap tongue. This Human Tongue Soap will get you clean, but may leave you feeling dirty.

It’s perfect for bathing with your partner. Hey, can you tongue under my arms? I have some serious BO. Also, my butt is really dirty today. It needs some extra tongue. Yeah right there. That’s a little tongue in cheek humor, right there.

You can also get the “With Teeth” soap dish shown to go with it if you want to be really weird.

Awaglass Soap Bubble Hourglass

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soap bubble hourglass
Normally grains of sand fall in an hourglass and it usually takes about an hour. See ma, I am too smart. The Awaglass however, is some kind of strange wizard magic. It has hypnotic soapy bubbles that rise up instead of down. I’m like a level 8 sorcerer in D and D and even I don’t know how to do this. But I’m gonna mention it to my DM. If I can hypnotize creatures with bubbles and then critical hit their nads with my staff, I’m all over that biz.

Of course the last time I asked my DM for special powers, he gave me a cursed necklace that turned me into a woman. Wasn’t so bad really, cause it came with a once a month “spell of raging blood” that made dungeoneering super easy. They just put me in front and every creature ran from my verbal onslaught. The downside was later that night when the party rested. “Wait. So I’m the only female here and you want me to do what? I don’t think that’s what ‘flurry of blows’ means guys. Isn’t that a melee attack? Are you sure you checked the book? Oh, what the hell, it’s just roleplay!”

What happens in D and D, stays in D and D.
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