I’m not one to brag, but check out my new underwear. Woo-Hoo. It’s got a ruler on it so I can do home improvement in my underwear. Gets sweaty and hot when you’re doing man stuff. Sometimes the cops come when you’re on the roof with a beer and a hammer.
You do know that’s not for measuring stuff when fixing the house right?
Huh? You’re just jealous of my cool new underwear.
It’s for measuring your wing-wang.
*Stops cold.* Really?
Why do you think the cops keep coming? It’s because you keep rubbing your junk against stuff to get measurements. Are you fixing the roof or dry humping it?
Fair enough. Also, I don’t think these are my size, cuz my wing-wang ain’t measuring up.
Holy jumping jeebus! What we have here is a dual-injected 8 cylinder nightmare fueled suicide machine cruising down the train aisle at about 2 miles per horror. Did that sound cool? Not really a car guy. More of a moped dude. Holy Victorian hell! These two creepy life-sized Victorian dolls suddenly appeared around the city of London the other day, just doing what Victorian dolls do: Being creepy as hell, riding buses, waiting at tube stations, shopping, smiling at the screams they have created, inhaling the terror deep and being the all around mistresses in charge of the heebie-jeebies.
These dolls are being used to promote the 2016 launch of Thorpe Park, the “world’s first psychological theme park” created by illusionist Derren Brown. Oh is that what this is? Guess what? I don’t want any of that! It isn’t even opened yet and your psychological park has already jumped the gate and horribly interacted with the reality outside. Thanks for going full Jurassic Park right from the get-go.
It’s like 9 AM and I already can’t sleep tonight! Holy water ain’t gonna cut it here. You’re gonna need to sit like 4 popes on a missile, aim it at this park and pray like hell that it exorcises whatever other demons it has lurking within. Effing science creating robots Effing plagues creating zombies. And now effing Derren Brown creating this. Read more “Creepy Life-Sized Victorian Dolls Mess With London Commuters”
This Black Octopus Purse is the ultimate accessor-sea. It has enough tentacles to hold all of your stuff and never let go. Best of all it won’t spit ink in your face whenever you go to get your lipstick. Put a padlock on it and ya got a lock-topus. Store your frock inside and ya got a frock-topus. The possibilities are endless as the sea. You’ll love that you can high five it’s mighty tentacles.
Octopi are pretty smart creatures. It might even hand you the stuff you need. Pretty cool.
Jumping Jurassic Jeepers! A Life Sized Velociraptor Hatching From An Egg. This thing is going to look awesome in my living room. I’m gonna put a little top hat on him. A life sized dinosaur is better than a tiny one, cuz you don’t want to step on it. Then what you’ve got is a Ve-splosh-ciraptor. It’s also a real Jurassic mess to clean up.
This guy or gal is freshly hatched from his egg, with some added egg birth goo stuff. Nice touch. Man, if we were the Flintstones, we’d be buying these by the dozen and frying up dinosaur eggs with Brontosaurus burgers. But it isn’t. All we eat are lousy chicken eggs. I want to eat an egg from something that can kill me. Oh yeah, salmonella. Never mind. This guy was just born and looks like he already wants to kill you.
If you know a deadbeat, use the Deadbeat Voodoo Doll to make them pay up. This hairy chested deadbeat looks just like the deadbeat that you know, except he has the initials DB on his dirty underwear. Otherwise, it is just like the scumbag you know in real life. Use the included 3 pins to cause some pain and make him pay up. Beat that deadbeat at his own game. Maybe dip those pins in some ink and give him a tattoo. Maybe a nice little tramp-stamp.
*Ding Dong.* Who could that be?
*Opens door.* My deadbeat dad is standing there, with pinpricks all over his body. He hands me some money and is all like, “Please make it stop. I’m making my payments see. Please!”
*Closes door and goes back to the couch. Picks up voodoo doll.* Time to start working on the next payment. *Jab. Jab. Jab.*
