Tag: valentine’s day

Serial Killer Valentines

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Creepy Valentines Day Cards
Serial killers need love too. If you love a demented killer, give them one of these Serial Killer Valentines. If you are a serial killer, give someone you love these valentines, but if you do, DON”T KILL THEM! I can’t stress that enough. It defeats the whole point of giving them a valentine if you kill them. Wait what? Well yeah, if you call yourself the Valentine’s Day killer I guess that’s fine. Not that I approve. I’m just saying you make a good point.

Blog post finished. Yes!

Now to check my mailbox for Valentines from fans. Sweet! Got one! Cool it has Jason Voorhees on it! *Gets impaled through the back and killed by a killer wearing a smiling heart for a head. *Dying breaths* It’s…you…Valentine’s Day…killer. *gasps. dies*

Monster Valentines Day Cards

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Creepy Valentines Day Cards 2
Don’t be a monster. Treat your girl or guy right this Valentine’s Day. Give them these Monster Valentines Day Cards. The real monsters are the ones that show up empty handed during VD. These remind me of those fun cards everyone was giving each other in school when I was a kid. Well, I wasn’t getting any. Not much has changed. I’m all grown up and still not getting any.

It’s cool, I usually buy myself 5 pounds of assorted chocolates and lock myself in my room for the day. It’s just like what I imagine the life-cycle of real love is like: A whirlwind romance, with a lot of time spent between the sheets and before you know it, you wake up cramping and not being able to poop for a week. Just guessing.

Anywho these monster valentines are pretty cool. They feature various horror monsters carrying a girl off with a heart behind them. And the girl doesn’t even look that scared compared to that time I tried it and ended up in the Police Station overnight until they decided I was too stupid to be the local serial killer. Unless I was a copy cat. I was like, “no way, I don’t copy. I’m 100 percent original in what I do.” For some reason that made them change their mind and I stayed much longer.

Aliens Facehugger Heart Necklace

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Aliens Facehugger Heart Necklace
If you give this Aliens Facehugger Heart Necklace to someone you love, it could lead to a Valentine’s day massacre. Hugs are great and all, but not when they come from alien scum that wants to kill you with hugs to the face. At least this guy here is hugging a heart, but he will gladly trade that to wrap around your heart and squeeze real tight.

Present this with a box of chocolates and she will love you forever. Or at least until her face gets hugged off. What kind of creature evolves to hug face anyway? Suckin’ face? That I understand. every teen evolves into that? But what species says, I want to hug face when I grow up.” Have they seen the faces of most humans. I have and let me tell you, we are f***in hideous. Sure, we have a few lookers, but most of us? Real f***in’ ugly. I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Or in the tentacle of your Facehugger. I hope this guy finds an attractive face. Other than mine obviously. I make my living with this face. No, seriously, this one network pays me to stay off TV. YouTube too.

Decorative Coffin Full Of Chocolate

Artemis Winterford2 Comments

decorative chocolate coffinSweeeet! A Decorative Coffin along with the chocolate that’s gonna put me inside it’s cramped embrace one day! Important note: These aren’t real chocolates, which is why my first bite ended in agony with bits of broken tooth all over my floor. Tried superglue, but that just made my mouth look like tetris pieces all lined up like in a game played by a twitchy speed freak.

So it was back to the dentist. I walk in and it’s the usual. Sees me. Smiles like a lunatic. Pulls up some luxury car websites on his iPad and asks what I’m going to be buying him today. I like that he includes his victims in his purchase decisions. Looks in my mouth. I point and say “Tetris”. He looks deeper. “No. That’s more like Jenga. Let’s get started. Which piece should I remove first? Love this game.”

After that I just remember waking up to him yelling “YAHTZEE!” and shaking my teeth in a cup with some nurses in the corner of the room.
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Needle Felted Zombie Valentine’s Day Candy

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felted valentines candy
This Valentine’s Day give the gift of Needle Felted Zombie Candy. I hear they are delicious, but give you a serious case of cotton mouth. Plus, no calories!

So basically this is the perfect gift if your wife is getting a little thick around her dump trunk. Whoa! We were all thinking it. I’m just saying it’s the perfect gift. And since these little zombie treats are felt, your diet is safe. It’s a gift that says “I love you, but there is enough of you right now and it is making the couch bow.”
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