Author: Artemis Winterford

Mummified Palmistry Hand

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Mummified Palmistry Hand
Fun story: I thought I was an apprentice practicing palmistry for like two years one time. Turns out I was actually doing what they call “shoplifting”. That’s why I don’t trust gypsies. Anyway, now I know better. Palmistry also will not make you go blind, no matter how many times you do it. That’s a common misconception. It is the art of evaluating a person`s character or future by reading the palm of their hand. I plan on buying this Mummified Palmistry Hand and making a fortune.

*Puts on my gypsy gear.* Take your hands from your pockets. Let me see your palm. Hmmmm. I sense that you are a craftsman. Do you work with a saw? I see a horrible accident that has claimed both your hands!

What was your first clue? The fact that my wrists end in stumps? Or that I have no palm to read?

I was right! Yes! Hey- Why does a guy with no palms enter a Palm Reading shop? And how did you turn the doorknob and open the door?

*The hand-less man suddenly sprouts hands from his coat sleeves, and rips off his mask to reveal an old and gnarled woman, cackling like mad.*

YOU!

*The crazy woman runs out of the shop.*

Damn you gypsy! Why does this kind of thing keep happening to me?
Read more “Mummified Palmistry Hand”

Killer Klowns From Outer Space Clown Bust

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Killer Klowns From Outer Space Clown Bust
I’m creeped out by this Killer Klowns From Outer Space Clown Bust. You never want to have an encounter with a tiny UFO that honks at you like a clown car and then lands so a bunch of clowns pile out and act all clowny. Now that’s a nightmare and that’s what killer clowns are all about. Now you can own one of them in terrifying bust form.

When they aren’t terrifying people with their freaky faces, they do kids parties on alien worlds.
Read more “Killer Klowns From Outer Space Clown Bust”

Nosferatu Vampire Bust

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Nosferatu Vampire Bust
This Nosferatu Vampire Bust pays tribute to the 1922 film depiction of the vampire Count Orlok. If you get this thing you will have a lovely bust. I’m not saying you don’t have one already, but nothing beats a big Vampire bust. Spoiler alert: I’m talking about boobs. I’ve seen my share of Vampire ladies so I think I know what I’m talking about. Vampire busts are the best. Way better than Werewolf boobs. Just sayin’.

That reminds me. How do you kill a busty Werewolf? A silver bullet…bra.

Gargoyle Engagement Ring

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Gargoyle Engagement Ring
This Gargoyle Engagement Ring features two Gargoyles resting by the roof of a building. You know how you make a Gargoyle? Get engaged. Get cold feet. Then get on the roof and prepare to jump. And since you suck at that too, just sit there for eternity. That’s how you create a Gargoyle.

Yeah, but how do then turn to stone then? Explain that.

The wife shows up below and looks at him.

Huh?

They were about to marry Medusa.

Wow.

Yeah, she has been left at the alter soooooo many times. She’s pretty bitter about it.
Read more “Gargoyle Engagement Ring”

Scary Monster Marionettes

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Scary Monster Marionettes
Hey guys, let’s put on a puppet show. I know where we can get some cool and creepy marionettes. Marry Annette? I barely know her! Ohhhh marionettes. Now I get it. These Scary Monster Marionettes from CzechMarionettes are like the Muppets on steroids. I don’t mean they’re buff and strong, I mean they’re scary and awesome.

I’m gonna get the two grumpiest ones and have them make wisecracks from the balcony, while the others are on stage playing guitar and stuff. The seller has a bunch of neat marionettes. I’m gonna go make the cardboard sets. You guys come over when you’re ready. Don’t leave me hanging okay?
Scary Monster Marionettes

Scary Monster Marionettes

Scary Monster Marionettes

Scary Monster Marionettes

Scary Monster Marionettes

Scary Monster Marionettes

Scary Monster Marionettes