Author: Artemis Winterford

Frankenstein Skull With Light Up Eyes

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Frankenstein Skull With Light Up Eyes
This Frankenstein Skull With Light Up Eyes will watch you like one of those paintings where the eyes seem to move. Stop looking at me Franky! The eyes can be any color LED lights you want. Trust me, it doesn’t matter what color you choose, it’s all gonna look creepy. I want to ask you something Dr. Frankenstein. Were those bolts on the side of the head really necessary? Are they holding up the foundation? Connected to load-bearing muscle mass or something? I really think you could have found an alternative to just using huge ass bolts. But what do I know? I don’t make monsters. I just marry them.

What? You thought that was a crack about my wife? I’ll have you know, I am an ordained minister and I work in Transylvania.
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UFO Lamp: Unidentified Flying Objet D’art

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UFO Lamp Unidentified Flying Objet D'art
This UFO lamp is out of this world! My only complaint is that there’s no cow tumbling up into the light beam, mooing and running in place. Meh. You can’t have everything. When it’s plugged in it gives off a blue light and when its unplugged, the abduction beam glows green. Just like a real spaceship. So I’ve heard. I don’t have any firsthand experience with abduction beams. Fun fact: First I typed “abduction beans”. It made me giggle. That is all.

So anyway, I’m thinking you get some Men In Black figures, a cow or two, some little alien figures, Mulder and Scully, and you have yourself an awesome playset as well as a lamp. Never seen a UFO, but I have seen an OFU which is UFO spelled backwards. That would be my “Obese F**king Uncle”. Damn that guy can eat. He doesn’t eat spare ribs. Just ribs. Cuz when he eats, he doesn’t have any to spare. All goes in his mouth you see. He doesn’t “put it away” because there’s nothing left to put away. We love him. We just eat at separate tables. In separate restaurants. In separate towns. He’s kinda like a black hole. Gotta stay away from the event horizon.

JAWS Shoes: We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Shoe Box

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JAWS Shoes We're Gonna Need A Bigger Shoe Box
It’s time to slip your feet into some sharks. These JAWS shoes will be available this summer. My feet are fearful. My tootsies are terrified. My ten little piggies are bloody chum in the water! June 20th, 2016 is the 41st anniversary of the movie JAWS, so Sperry shoes are releasing a line of JAWS themed footwear. They will be available for order online as early as next month starting May 5th. They will be in retail stores soon after on June 9th.

The shoes are wrapped in blood-soaked tissue paper. Apparently, with each shoe purchase, you will get some postcards in the packaging. You can check out several of the designs here. Pretty cool. Great for sharkin’ around. One minor gripe. They really should have some fins so I can feel like I really have tiny sharks on my feet. That way, I can sing the shark theme while I walk and creep up on people like sharks do. And since my shoes can’t bite, I’m just gonna have to kick them really hard. Not my fault. It was the shark shoes. Not safe to go in the water? It is now not safe to go on the sidewalk. Blame my twin shark feet, both named Bruce.

WTF… GOAT STORY Mug

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WTF... GOAT STORY Mug
What kind of half-baked hipster mysticism is this? The “Goat Story Mug” is a horn-shaped vessel like the vikings would have drank from,… If Vikings were wusses that could only conquer goats. You are supposed to drink coffee out of it. Maybe to pretend you have slain a goat in between your artisanal lunch and the daily upkeep of your man-bun. I have no idea. It has no handle.You can’t even set it on your desk. Instead you’re supposed to carry it with some kind of feminine wrist strap or purse strap attachment. So what the hell is the goat story? Don’t trust a hipster? Tell us something we don’t know. Here’s my goat story:

Once upon a time people had coffee cups. Like female CB using truck drivers, they had a handle and a flat bottom. Everyone was happy as they drank from this amazing creation. And we don’t need no stinking goat horn mugs! The end.

Bat Skull Cabinet Hardware

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Bat Skull Cabinet Hardware
Quick Robin! To the Bat-Cabinet! Holy smokes Batman! Which one is the Bat Cabinet again? They are the ones with the Bat Skull Cabinet Hardware you idiot. And by the way, can we update that outfit? Kinda makes me look bad you know. I am a much older man and those tights… Not good.

This Bat Skull Cabinet hardware is awesome. Does this mean that your cabinet is a belfry now? It’s got bats. Anything that has bats is a belfry. I kind of like the idea of grabbing a bat skull every time I go into a cabinet for some cereal or peanut butter. Don’t worry little bats, I won’t crush your head with my grip. Or poke you in the eye-sockets. I will be gentle,but firm.
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