Author: Artemis Winterford

Medusa Gorgon Wall Plaque

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Medusa Gorgon Wall Plaque
This Medusa Gorgon Wall Plaque is gonna look great on your wall. Most people think that an evil woman with snakes in her hair, who will turn you to stone with one look, is just a myth. Those people never met my ex wife. Statues? Those people have met my ex wife. And now they get to hang out in museums and stuff, where I make fun of their little pee-pees and try to chip a piece off.

Still, those are some lovely locks. You go girl! It’s like a friggin’ Pantene commercial up in this mother. Give me the hair flip. Oh girl, you got it going on. Flip that luxurious and biting mane. Run your hand through it- Oh there goes your hand. It’s just a bloody stump now. It’s cool, you have another. I want to see some intensity in those eye sockets!

Awesome Cobra Snake Skin Leather Belt

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Awesome Cobra Snake Skin Leather Belt
This Awesome Cobra Snake Skin Leather Belt looks awesome, but I just know it’s gonna scare the hell out of my man junk underneath it, so it never rises again. Is that a snake around your waist or are you just happy to see me? I don’t know. Come a little bit closer and let’s see if it bites.

This is an awesome belt. Aside from the fact that I get bit every time I try to undo my belt to take a whiz. I can’t even undo my snake to drain my snake. Still, I look cool and that’s all that matters. That wet spot on my pants? That’s not what matters. I’m all like, “You’ve seen the cobra, wait until you see the python.” And the girls are all like, “Are you really gonna feed that little mouse to your snake?”
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The Cubinati: A New World Order Puzzle

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The Cubinati A New World Order Puzzle
The Cubinati! Made by the Illuminati. Who choose to stay away from the paparazzi! They’d rather stay at home and play Yahtzee! That’s just what I heard. Plus it rhymes. Solve this puzzle pyramid and I think you get a free membership in the group.

Perks include being a part of the New World Order and free pizza every Wednesady night! Score! The all-seeing eye is watching so solve it fast or else be dealt with by the elusive secret society. This puzzle will give you something to do while your population is being culled. Look at how happy and totally not brainwashed that girl in the ad looks. Why so serious?
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Copper Creeps Creatures

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Copper Creeps Creatures
These Copper Creeps Creatures are cute and crazy, comical, classic and creative. Also collectible. I ran out of C words. Non-dirty ones anyway. This is Series 2 of Copper Creeps, which will launch on April 9th from mechtorians.bigcartel.com. They’re pretty adorable.

These are “Vlad”and “Orlok”. In all seriousness, they look pretty awesome and hit that sweet spot between creepy and cute that we all love.
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Post Human Vampire Skulls

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Post Human Vampire Skulls
These Post Human Vampire Skulls are gonna give me nightmares. Apparently these things were genetically enhanced to give them improvements over the average human. It’s like The Terminator and Dracula had a baby and that baby ate the world, draining one corpse at a time, then plugging it’s cyborg self into some receptacle and charging up. Still, dudes got a great profile. I’d kill to look that awesome in pictures. That’s like a quality yearbook picture from Killer Vampire Robot High. Picture like that will land you a sweet wife and an awesome job.

Unlike me. My picture landed me an angry wife and weird job blogging about strange and freaky stuff. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Anyhow I don’t think I could type without a woman screaming in the background anymore and the occasional object sailing past my head. NO, I WILL NEVER STOP USING THE FANCY DINNERWARE TO CUT MY SNICKERS BARS WITH A FORK AND KNIFE! THANK YOU FOR ASKING!
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