Author: Artemis Winterford

Push Pin Earrings

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push pin earrings
Whoever invented these push pin earrings must have thought to themselves, “I use them to attach notes to my corkboard, but what I really want is to shove them in people’s ears!” Sounds legit to me.

*Heads over to my corkboard. Pierces my own ear with a push pin. Cries like a baby for 10 minutes* Hey honey, look at me. I got a cool push pin for an earring. All the cool kids are doing it.

*Wife grabs me by the ear and drags me back to the corkboard. Pins my ear to the corkboard. Ignores my screams as you stretches my other ear to the cork and attaches that one too.* “Idiot!” *Wife walks away.*

Honey, I’m stuck. The pain! The pain! Did you use super glue. Yep. I smell glue! Hey, I have to pee!

Hamburger Couch Pillows

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hamburger couch pillows
Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. Okay, these Hamburger Couch Pillows don’t have all of those things, but they come close. I would lay in this pile of pillows all day long, using the cheese as a blanket. Cuz I’m smart like that. And I’m already covered in cheese most days anyway.

*Looks down at yellow/orange shirt. Peels shirt off of my skin and starts eating it* Mmmmm. Still tastes like pepperoni! Why would I start the day off with a shirt when I knew I was gonna drip cheese all over myself anyway? What you call lazy, I call multitasking.
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Root Chandeliers: Light Your Room With Tormented Souls

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root chandelier
Etsy seller FikoArt sells chandeliers made from tree roots. They also look like tormented souls crying out in pain every time you turn on the lights. Yeah, great decorating choice honey. Sure, I love it. Blah blah, looks great. Nah. I’m good. I’ll just eat my dinner in pitch blackness. Does that one guy have a light bulb for a wiener? I can’t tell, cuz it’s all disturbing.

I AM GROOT! KILL ME!

I am under you, trying to eat dinner. Kill ME!

I guess we are both screwed!

40 Pounds Of Lucky Charms Marshmallows

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lucky charms marshmallows
Running around in my underwear like a fat leprechaun all hopped up on pixie dust screaming, “40 Pounds Of Lucky Charms Marshmallows!” over and over again.

*A magic fairy godmother appears* Do you want 40 Pounds Of Lucky Charms Marshmallows? *Stops. Shakes head. Giggles like an idiot. She waves her magic wand.*

***************

A family of 10 sits down to eat their 40 Pounds Of Lucky Charms Marshmallows out of a giant kiddy pool on their table. *A shriek in the distance, followed by a sonic boom.* WOOOOOOO-HOOOOOO! *I fall through the ceiling and land in the giant bowl of Luck Charms.* Thanks magic fairy lady!

*Ignores the screams and shrieks as I pig out face first, sucking it all up and making warrior noises.*

Pee & Poo Plush Dolls Are Best Buds

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pee & poo plush toys
Pee and Poo. They’re a stinky bowl of best buds. Aren’t these Pee & Poo Plush Dolls cute? Hug ’em, squeeze ’em, rub ’em, against each other and see what rubs off. If they are anything like the real thing, you’ll play with the pee several times a day and be lucky to see poo once every other and he’ll make it really difficult for you to let him go.

It’s the only acceptable way to play with pee and poo, so go for it. All of your other toys will be disgusted.
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