Author: Artemis Winterford

Garbage Pail Kids Nail Decals

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Garbage Pail Kids Nail Decals
Garbage Pail Kids Nail Decals. Pretty cool. I have some names I just thought up. Manny Cure. Cutey Cull. Fungus Cyde. Heh. I got a million of ’em. But only ten nails. It’s like my daddy used to say, “You can’t build a house with only ten nails, but you can scratch your neighbor’s wife’s back and lay a good foundation.” I miss daddy. So wise. So horny. For the neighbor’s wife.

Anywho, now you can adopt some of these dumpster rugrats and put ’em right on your fingernails. Awesome. Another day, another blog post. Nailed it.
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Vintage Portable Toilet

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portable toilet
This Vintage Portable Toilet ain’t nothing but TV dinner tray stand legs and a hefty bag! Supposedly it’s perfect for things like camping, fishing and hunting. You know, because you didn’t bring your own toilet from home. Because nothing says camping like a stinky and putrid hefty bag full of camper poop and pee, right by the fire while you’re toasting marshmallows.

Also if you need to erect a hefty bag toilet while you are fishing or hunting, you have some serious medical problems my friend. What do you do with it when you’re done? Tie off that hefty bag and drive it home in your car, where it is bound to spring a leak? Tie it up and toss it in the forest like the toxic waste it is?

I like to just bring a spare toilet, set her up in a quiet place and leave it there for the next guy. I’m thoughtful like that.
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Zombie Hand Drain Stopper

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zombie bathtub stopper
This Zombie Hand Drain Stopper is perfect if you like your bath water red. Which I do. Hey, nothing gives you soft skin and a warm glow like soaking in a bath of Hi-C fruit punch and Cherry Kool-Aid. Diabetes. You’re soaking in it.

You think this hand will massage my feet and tickle me while I ladle sugar drinks all over myself? Nevermind. Just saw those fingernails. Looks like we have some fungus among us. I know you’re already dead and all, so would it kill you to get a manicure? No. No it wouldn’t.

Flask Tie Is The Best Office Accessory Ever

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flask tie
No need to cure that drinking problem. Just hide it really well. Like, in your flask tie. That way you can drink all day long in the office.

Johnson, file these reports! Sure, no problem. Flips the boss off when his back is turned. Takes a drink.

Johnson, I need you to redo those numbers for the big meeting. Okie dokie sir-eokie. Grumbles. Takes drink.

Johnson, great job in the meeting. You seem really relaxed today. A real go-getter. Thanks bloss. I jus do wat ah can, you know. Glug glug glug.

Johnson, in my office. You are being promoted. Awesome newscast Mr. boss. Mr Applesauce. Let’s celebrate. Celebrate. Dance to the music. Takes a drink from the tie, offers it to the boss. Oh ship. I’m sill in da werk envirament ain’t I?

Johnson, go home.

Steampunk Gas Mask Chandelier

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gas mask chandelier
This Steampunk Gas Mask Chandelier is the perfect way to decorate your home during the apocalypse. And if you get attacked by ravenous farting zombies, you can even grab yourself one of the steampunk gas masks if you need to. I might just buy this one to prepare for the end of the world. I can hang it up and name each mask. You gotta have some friends to talk to when it gets lonely. And only losers decorate a soccer ball with sharpie and call it Wilson. Tom Hanks is such an idiot!

“I don’t know. I rather like him.”

You shut up. You shut your dimply basketball hole Spalding!