Author: Artemis Winterford

The LAMBAG Lamb Purse Is Not For The Sheepish

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lamb bag
The LAMBAG is not for the sheepish. This lamb purse is perfect for people on the lamb. I’m gonna call him Lambert and take him with me when I go shopping. “You can’t bring that in here!” The hell I can’t. You have your purse and I have mine. Next you’ll be asking me to remove my high heels and take off my makeup. It’s a GD police state!

“No sir. It’s not the dead animal on your hip, but all of the lamb and sheep puns we object too.”

Stares stunned. “Bah!” Walks out.
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Deep Sea Angler Fish Lamp

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Deep Sea Angler Fish Lamp
*Pretend swimming through my hazy and murky bedroom.* What’s that? Oh, shiny! I have to touch it. *CHOMP* This Deep Sea Angler Fish Lamp makes every day an adventure. A scary adventure, full of teeth.

This crazy fish is basically a flood light. Get it? Flood? It stands 5 feet tall, 4 feet wide and 5 feet long. The light over the head will lure you in so that when you walk closer, the eyes and body light up using a motion sensor light. I’m scared just thinking about it.

Alien Facehugger With Moveable Tail And Limbs

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Alien Facehugger
Sorry I’m late guys. Slammed too many Monster drinks and right now I’m twitchier than a facehugger in a room full of mannequin heads. This Alien Facehugger With Moveable Tail And Limbs is not helping. I discovered it at the same time my cat was behind me and put her tail in my face.

Ahhhh! Facehuggers are real! Get it off! *Grabs tail. Cat screams. I scream. We all scream, but not for ice cream.* And now I have a cat shaped hole in the wall and a pissed off cat with a vendetta. So anyway, I’m all extra tweaky. Did you hear that? Was that a real sound?

Anyway, this creeptastic Facehugger is all articulated with moveable limbs and tail. I’m not scared. I’ll grab it by the back of whatever passes for a neck and point it at a Budweiser. I just turned a facehugger into a beer chugger. Cuz I’m awesome like that.

DEAR GOD! CAT ON FACE! CAT ON FACE!
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Brains Platform Shoes

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Brains Platform Shoes
Hey, look at those shoes. No wonder you’re so stupid. You’ve been standing on your brains all day. *Chuckles to myself loudly* Brains Platform Shoes deliver a roundhouse kick to my head. I fall on the floor.

*Woman stands over me. Hands on hips* Actually, they are decorated with the brains of those who have wronged me. All men, which is why it took so long to cover them.

Braces Ring

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Braces Ring
Meet the braces ring. I hear ya. Braces belong on faces. These braces are in the wrong places. The braces ring punches faces with braces, knocking out teeth and leaving spaces, leaving suckers nothing but shaking disgraces. Sorry about that. My Seuss was loose, but I called a truce.

Anyway, the braces ring is finally an accessory for all of you braces wearers. It goes with your main grill. Don’t kiss your ring or both are gonna get tangled up.
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