Your cat wants to be just like you so train that mangie minx to use the toilet with the CitiKitty Cat Toilet Training Kit. Look fluffy, it’s 2015. Why are you still peeing and pooping in a box? And making me clean it? You think that’s funny? Now get on that toilet and drop some bombs. There’s some catnip in it for you if you don’t pee on the seat.
This kit includes a training seat and insert, guide, tip card, and catnip. Tip card? I’m not tipping that cat to do what he should be doing anyway. Here’s a tip: Flush afterwards. And the carpet is not toilet paper.
What has 6 eyes, 6 arms and two legs, a bunch of stitches and dinner twitching all around it? The Frankenstein Spider Doll. I don’t know if she’s poisonous or not, but she has style.
Guys, I don’t want to scare you but I think I might have the whole Spider-Man thing going on. I was bit by a spider one time and I spent the whole day spinning web out of my butt and bouncing up and down on one strand.
“That was the day you were Peter Pan in the school play. You also had tacos! That janitor was 2 days away from retirement.”
Okay, how do you explain that I would grab a hunk of meat out of the fridge, use both hands to spin a saran wrap cocoon around it and then suck the blood dry?
“That was your ‘I’m afraid to touch meat’ phase, which coincided with your ‘I’m afraid to chew meat’ phase. Basically you are a neurotic and hypochondriac idiot!”
I don’t know what that means, but fine. You still can’t explain why my spider abdomen got so huge overnight.
“Because your spider abdomen is full of half priced booze and stuffed crust pizza. And by overnight, you must mean every night.”
Holy ingrown toenail horn. That is gonna require some tough actin tinactin! This Zombie Foot Toe Monster knows the thrill of victory, but also the agony of de-feet! What the hell is it even doing there in the garden? Demanding a foot rub? If I gave in, I would have to scrub my hands clean with fire afterward. But I’m not. I’m not giving in. Not unless you rub mine first.
*Takes off my sock and a thick green vapor like a stinky cheese genie escapes. The plants instantly wilt and decay. Zombie foot freak scurries away choking* Looks like you have met your match Zombie foot. Sucks though. Was looking forward to a foot rub. Read more “Zombie Foot Toe Monster”
Sweet. I just bought Baltic Ave and Mediterranean. I’m a landlord! Finally! Woo-hoo! I am the king of great real estate decisions. Um, why is there a crack addict in that empty pool, playing a didgeridoo made out of like 10 rusty Mountain Dew cans? Also, why is the local lemonade stand manned by tweaky kids selling what appears to be blue rock candy? I guess I’m a slum lord. What a meth!
Who cares? With my awesome Monopoly sweater I feel like I own Park Place and Boardwalk. I’m pretending that the cockroaches crunching under my feet are just gravel. Gravel on my rich driveway. Gooey nasty gravel. This place isn’t so bad. Nah, it’s fine. That lady in the halter top and hot pants, leaning into that car window, must have just passed GO cuz the guy in the car gave her $200.
I want to go home to my zombie suburban wasteland!*tears*
Etsy seller CloseByMe will put the cremated remains of your loved ones into a ring of your choosing. You send her a pinch or two of your loved ones and she will work her strange sorcery as she forges the (Loved) one ring. Then you can wear your precious and stop grooming and stuff, until you and the (Loved) One ring are in a cave together in Middle Earth. Read more “Cremated Remains In A Ring”
