Hey it’s a Plush Spam Sandwich! I’m torn. On the one hand it’s spam which is a known (to my toilet)diuretic and is vomit inducing. On the other hand, it’s a plush that looks kinda cute. What to do? I think I’ll have the best of both worlds and puke while I cuddle it.
Kinda like I did that night I found out my date was packing a sausage in her spam sandwich. It was cuddly and cozy. With tears.
My wife keeps bugging me for a baby. You want a baby? I’ll give you a baby. And I don’t mean that Baby Ruth I dropped in the public pool last week. A Xenomorph baby! How ya like that? This Baby Alien Xenomorph Fetus Chest Burster Necklace is your birthday gift. Baby delivered.
What do you mean you already have a fully grown baby? By the way, have you seen my blanky? You didn’t leave it at the laundromat again I hope. And why does Mr. Snuggles have a pair of scissors in his abdomen? *Inspects bear closer* Is this like the time my pajamas accidentally got thrown in the wood chipper? I can’t have anything nice.
You may not give a toot, but the Fart Piano is a piano that makes fart noises. Naturally, I’m interested, my own bunghole being off key.
It’s nine o’clock on a taco day
The regular crowd cropdusts in
There’s an old man sitting next to me
Ripping one with a big grin
He says, “Son, can you squeeze me a memory
I’ve really just run out of farts
But it’s sad and it’s sweet and I knew it complete
It smells like 3 rancid pop-tarts.”
La la la, di da da
La la, di da da da dum
Sing us a song, you’re the fart piano man
Sing us a song you louse
Well, we’re all in the mood for a melody
And your farts peel the paint from the house…
Check out a video below where a My Little Pony farts the classics. Seriously.
Read more “Fart Piano”
Check out this awesome set of man antlers that you can wear. Actually it’s a Mannequin Head Wearing Man-Antlers that you can decorate with.
I would pop these babies off that head and glue them to my own dome. Then I would stamp my feet and scratch at the floor with one foot while I snort. After that, it’s me against the wall. Then after that it’s me glued to a pair of man-antlers that are stuck in the wall. On the plus side, the apartment next door has a new coat rack.
This Nuke Lamp in the shape of a mushroom cloud will lend an irradiated glow to your home. Usually only the cockroaches would survive a blast like this, but both you and those nasty creatures will be safe.
This amazing 3D printed lamp really splits my atoms. It’s rad! Get it? I love it a mega-ton! I hope I don’t get any fallout because of these lame jokes. I wish I had been alive in the 60s and had this lamp. I would have tricked all of my dates using the old “under the desk, duck and cover” routine. Nah, I’ll be fine sitting at the desk. Only enough room down there for one. You get under so you’re safe. Heh heh. While you’re down there…
*Hey that’s rude!*
What? I was gonna say to check if the carpet needs vacuuming.
*That’s sexist*
Well, I just meant.
*You shut up mister!*
When did the voice in my head get so mean and bossy?