Author: Artemis Winterford

Rattlesnake Skeleton Kit

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Rattlesnake Skeleton Kit
Man, this is one scary-ass Rattlesnake Skeleton Kit. They are actually scarier on the inside. This scale model recreates the bone structure of the Rattlesnake. Allow me to recreate my reaction to seeing this on my desk:

*Screams at the top of my lungs! Then smashes it into a million pieces while yelling for someone to call zombie pest control. Then breaths heavily while looking at the pulverized remains.* It’s okay honey. I killed it. I hope we stockpiled enough food to get through this nightmare. There’s bound to be more of them.

That was your birthday present you A**hole! And I hope you stockpiled enough sex to get you through the month while you sleep on the couch. Because there’s bound to be NONE!
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French Fry Bustier Bra Top

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french fry bustier
This French Fry Bustier Bra Top is awesome. Although these must be those flat cut steak fries. Clearly she didn’t say, “Super-size me!” and ordered a small.

Oddly, I have the urge to dump a basket of fries into a metal tray, salt it all up, scoop it all up in that metal minimum wage shovel that McDonalds workers use and slide them right down the middle of her fry-holder. But I’m weird like that.

Thanks for making me hungry fry-girl. Fry-girl is like a dream come true. She’s salty, hot and leaves me wanting more.

Mr. And Mrs. Potato Head Planters

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mr potato head succulent planter
Are you psyched? Good and starched? I present to you these Mr. And Mrs. Potato Head Planters all dressed up like a King and a Princess. With plants coming out of their heads. I know the king personally, were best spuds.

Wait, is it potato or potatoe? Doesn’t matter cuz it’s all chips to me. I’m gonna go mix up their face parts so the kingdom falls apart. Then guess who’s king baby! Oh yeah!
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Steampunk Octopus Light Switch Covers

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Steampunk Octopus Light Switch Covers
Like I was saying, I don’t give an octopus’ tentacle what you think- Huh? Oh those are cool. Steampunk Octopus Light Switch Covers. You gots some nice tentacles baby. And suckers that go on foreva! I know, because every time I flick your switch, I cop a feel.

Hey, it’s a sexy light switch cover. Don’t judge. But if you do, I hope you’ll let me run with an insanity defense, because these sexy steampunk switch covers from Etsy seller WainmanStudios are driving me crazy.
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Armadillo Taxidermy Lamp

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Armadillo Taxidermy Lamp
Armadillo Lamp. For when you need an Armadillo and a lamp in one. It’s a lamp-adillo. A real fringe item. *Elbows you in the rib and points to the fringe.* Basically it’s a dead animal suspended for all time above a small burning sun, which would burn it’s insides if it had any left. Those are probably splattered all over some Texas highway.

Spent a week in Amarillo and met an Armadillo. Walked across the road and he got flat as a pillow. So I took him home and put him on the grill-o. Afterwards I cleaned it with a brillo. Pad.

I have no idea what I’m even typing. Bartender! Another drink. And no, I refuse to stop blogging in your establishment. Just lock up and I’ll find my own way flat onto my face. Same way you found me this morning.