Author: Artemis Winterford

Space Invaders Future Fossils

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Space Invaders Future FossilsCheck out these Space Invaders Fossils from Etsy seller ThrowingChicken. I do not condone the tossing of fowl, but you know what this means right? We won! We finally killed those 8-bit suckers! Pew pew pew! Get the UFO for extra points!

Basically they all got shot down and fell into a video game graveyard during the “war of a hundred-thousand quarters” back in the 80s. Then in 2164 someone used a virtual device to go inside of these vintage game machines and dig up all of these fossils and send them back in time so they could sell them on Etsy and make a butt-load of money. Good thinking!

They aren’t so tough without their brightly colored skin stretched over their skulls. I’m getting one cause these guys owe me like 500 quarters. If I can’t have my childhood money back, I can at least have a rock solid corpse.
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Predator Paintball Mask: Get To Da Choppa!

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Predator Paintball MaskThis custom Predator Paintball mask immediately makes you the target if you play in my paintball games. Don’t get all creative and start making Predator noises either because someone will take you down. So what? You can cloak and become invisible. I’m just gonna put mud all over myself and arm a nuke so you can’t see me. How ya like me now? We Earthlings bite back! No easy prey here!

Just gonna lay in the mud and wait. Then when he’s close and almost walking over me, I’m gonna rise up and go all Sherwin-Williams on his preda-testicles. How you like that? You like getting a crotch full of paint?

*gets huge knife out as the dude takes the mask off* Hey man, wtf!!! It’s me! Your buddy!

Oh thank God you’re here. You aren’t going to believe this, but there was just a- Where did that Predator go?

*Other buddy walks up* You know not to confuse him. He still thinks Superman and Clark Kent are two different people!

I don’t know what you guys are talking about, but I have a Predator to kill. *Shakes head as I walk away* Only my idiot friends would think that Supes and Clark are the same guy. Anyway, looks like I’m on my own in this fight. Where are you, you ugly Spider-Faced freak? Show yourself!
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Needle Felted Grumpy Goblin

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Grumpy GoblinThis cute and grumpy $80 needle felted goblin is inspired by Brian Froud’s goblin drawings. You know, the conceptual designer behind classic movies like Labyrinth and The Dark Crystal.

Why so serious Grumpy Goblin? Probably because you are so easy to kill in RPGs. Even if you roll a 1, a critical fail, you can basically trip over your sword and still slash goblins to pieces. Ha ha. You suck. Any relation to grumpy cat? You guys probably attend the same grump-anger management meetings. Nothing? Not even gonna talk? Ahhh. You’re so cute! Who’s the cute one? Who’s the cute grumpy gus? Who’s the-

NO!

*Launches himself at my throat and tears in like a grumpy little weed whacker.*
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Flying Burger People Eater Heels

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Flying Burger People Eater HeelDear god! The food is attacking back! Attaching itself to clothing and accessories and taking control of women. Making women involuntarily kick guys in the nads as revenge for our fast food gluttony. Well, let’s face it, a woman doesn’t need much encouragement to kick us in the nads. We earn it. I earn it with interest.

Hey, nice burger heels! Can I touch your buns? *kick* *sees stars and little birdies flying around head* Can I get fries with that?*passes out*

These Flying Burger People Eaters look ferocious, but on the other hand they do come with fries in the soles. Yummy. Only $64.99. I hope they have arch support. As in Golden arches.
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Hairy Leg Stockings

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hairy leg stockingsThese Hairy Leg Stockings will be a girl’s best friend. It should deter all of those pervs that hit on you constantly. Once they see how much hair you are packing, they will run away and scream like little girls.

Unless they are into strange stuff. If these stockings do not deter a man, he’s either a furry or a Bigfoot hunter. Of course, you could just grow your own. It is no shave November. There’s no reason you ladies can’t get into the action too and teach those guys a lesson.