Author: Artemis Winterford

Board Game Made of Weirdness

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Board Game Of WeirdnessEtsy seller Fauncy wants to create a special board game just for you. Something weird and similar to this one seen here. I would totally rule at this board game. First, I would choose to use the Monopoly Thimble, cuz you know, that’s manly as s*it. Then I roll and move 4 spaces and totally roll a critical hit against that stone golem spider.

Even if I broke my wizard’s staff, it would be worth it, because I would search it’s dead body and take it’s fangs so I could make some sweet spider-daggers. That’s handy for later, when I turn against the other players and slash them. You been poisoned son! Spider teeth just made you drop like 200 gold. Deal wid it!

Then I would land on the spot that lets me drink that awesome potion. Wizard juice is on da loose! Tastes like gatorade, but don’t care. My health is at maximum even if my sobriety took a -8. That sweet nectar of arcane wizardry is a moment on the lips and a lifetime on the hips. Literally. I’m now a pear shaped old woman under my wizard robes. Damn you vile Trickster Elixir of Old Maidenhood! Don’t matter. I’m about to fight a dinosaur son!

Rolling for my attack of melt-flesh. Damn that drink made me f***ed up! The dice falls out of my hand just as my staff fizzles and makes a fart noise! Damn you potion. Stupid T-Rex grabs me in it’s teeth and breaks me in half. Luckily, my top half crawls away as it is devouring my lower half.

I slash at my fellow players with my spider-dagger as they pass me and watch them die one by one. Ha! The game is mine. Blood loss. Sight failing. Mumble. *No one wins…*
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Alien Anatomy: Transparent Alien Figure Model Kit

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Transparent Alien Figure Model KitThese aliens have been abducting us and checking out our anatomy for decades. It’s about time we do the same to them. Teach your kids all about alien anatomy with this Transparent Alien Figure Model Kit. If you teach your kid how to take an alien apart organ by organ and piece by piece, he will be ready one day, should the alien threat ever come for him in the dead of night.

Nope. They never counted on the horror that was little Johnny with a switchblade, when they came to him in bed that night. Painted that UFO medical bay bright red. They are lucky they beamed him back before they all met their end. His parents were proud and now they are safe.
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We’re Going To Need A Bigger Boot: Scary Giant Spider

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huge spiderGet it off me! Get it off me! Oh, it’s just on the screen. Thank God. I thought I was going to have to jump on the chair and scream like a little girl again. It would suck to have that happen twice at the same coffee shop. However I’m pretty confident that I could walk away with dry pants this time. Holy mother of all spiders! This is a large 36″ x 48″ x 24″ badass spider made from 80% foam, 15% latex, and 5% metal.

What’s with that color and pattern on the butt-sack? Does that mean poisonous or is it just meant to give it’s prey a psych evaluation? I see a butterfly…..Well, I’m not sure what it is. It floats like a butterfly, but stings like a bee. I KNOW. It’s Muhammad Ali. AWESOME GUESS. TELL HIM WHAT HE WON BOB!

YOU WIN…GETTING KICKED OUT OF THE COFFEE SHOP FOR LOSING CONTROL OF YOUR BLADDER AFTER ALL. THAT AND LIVING IN HORROR EVERY TIME YOU SEE AN EIGHT-LEGGED CREATURE!

The Anatomy of Yoda

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yoda anatomyJudge me by my blood and guts do you? This Yoda anatomy figure puts the Jedi master’s insides on display since you don’t have the power of the Force to use x-ray vision. Sadly, it looks like it is already promised to a buyer.

Just like that doughnut in the shop they wouldn’t let me have yesterday. Shoulda tried to force-lift that tasty morsel into my mouth, but who has the energy for that after downing two doughnuts already? Yeah, my Jedi training on Dagobah would involve a lot of standing still and summoning food my way. I’m a blubber, not a fighter. X-Wing out of a swamp? No thanks. Twinkie out of the box? I WILL return to complete my training.
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Pulp Fiction Rodent Taxidermy

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Pulp Fiction Rodent TaxidermyPulp Rodents! These furry little badasses are taxidermy rodents that look like Vincent and Jules. They have tiny suits with ties and even tiny pistols. They are probably arguing about a quarter-pounder with cheese while blowing some dude’s head off.

Looks pretty good. I’m guessing the seller put clothes and little guns by mouse-holes, only to find out that those losers never want to cosplay. The joke is on them, because in death, you will be made to wear this stuff. It is just the vicious circle of life.
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