Category: Just Plain Weird

The Wooden Tarot Card Deck

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The Wooden Tarot Card Deck
*Grabs my new Wooden Tarot Card Deck. Gets ready for my next customer to come in the shop.* Good day sir. Let us consult the cards and divine your future. Wanna cut the deck? I have a full house, how about you? Never mind, give me those back. *Shuffles like a madman* Hmmmm. This card is interesting.

Is it the death card?

Nope, Go fish! JK JK. No, it’s the fool card. Very appropriate since you paid like $200 for this session. Now shhhhhh. I’m concentrating. No. No. It’s gone now. Hmmmm. Did you recently come into some money recently?

Actually yes I-

Can you shut up? I’m trying to give you a reading here? Sheesh.

You will meet a tall and handsome stranger, but that’s just me. Congrats by the way. I hear I’m really awesome to be around. Hmmmm. This is very interesting. I see you in a relationship. I see a woman in a kitchen. This card says that she’s waiting.

That is my wife. She expects me home for dinner in an hour.

What is for dinner? Let me draw the card. Is it steak? Spare Ribs? Sueeee-wheat! I am starving! We’ll continue this over dinner.
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Gargoyle Claw Back Scratcher – There Will Be Blood

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Gargoyle Claw Back Scratcher - There Will Be BloodThis Gargoyle Claw Back Scratcher comes in several different colors. All will scratch your back like a crazed Gargoyle. They will scratch that itch, whether it’s a seven year itch, or other itch. Okay back scratcher, you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. Looks like you don’t have a back, so it’s gonna be all me. Oh yeah. It’s the Itchy and Scratchy show up in here. Oh yeah, right there. Harder. Harder. A little deeper. There ya go. *shakes it’s hand and puts it back on the shelf.* Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Cheesus Crust Vinyl Figure

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Cheesus Crust Vinyl FigureCheesus Crust, that is an awesome figure. I love that he comes with his own trading card. Nobody has a batting average like Cheesus. Plus, he’s the one guy in the world who won’t care if you call him pizza-face. This makes me want my own anchovy mustache by the way. For those of you who don’t already pray to Cheesus, you should. Every time I pray, I get the most delicious pie, plus he turns your iced coke into wine. Thank you Cheesus! You the man!

Thanks Jeremy.

Spooky Apothecary Jars

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Spooky Apothecary Jars
Hey, check out these cool Spooky Apothecary Jars. Are you listening? Do you even apothe-CARE-y? I know ya do. Just funning with ya. Which is similar to joshing you, but with no Josh required. These scary looking jars are going to look great on your shelves if they are as full of cobwebs as mine are.

There’s Vampire Juice, Witches Brew and Spider Poison. Among others.

I’ll Use the Witches brew to lure a Vampire, then make him drink the V juice, (That’s not dirty. Just sounds dirty) and have him administer the spider poison, so I can clean up all of those cobwebs! Why are they called cobwebs anyway? I never see them on corn cobs.

Licki Brush Lets You Lick Your Cat Back

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licki brush
The Licki Brush. What’s weird about this? Doesn’t everybody put a fake tongue in their mouth to lick their cat? I know if I don’t lick my cat at least once a day, she gets ticked off. What? Oh, okay. Let’s just get all of the p**** licking jokes out of the way. Are you done yet? *Sigh* So immature.

Anyway, you have to use this device to lick your cat, cuz otherwise you get hairballs. And a human hacking up hairballs is a nasty sight. Trust me on that one my friends. Not that I’ve ever used a similar device. I just heard things. What are you trying to imply? Look, I ain’t no dirty cat licker! Thems fightin’ words. Put up your dukes. I’m gonna- *ACK….ACK…COUGH* Now that that’s out of my system, and all over your floor, come at me bro!

Video that you can never unsee below.
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