Tag: animal

Rocking Taxidermy Goat

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Rocking Taxidermy Goat
If the goat is rockin’ don’t come a knockin’. This Rocking Taxidermy Goat is definitely rocking. He’s pretty horny too, meaning that he has great big horns. Not meaning the other thing. What did you think I was implying? *Sigh.* That really get’s my goat. Get’s my goat and gets it rocking. The seller named it Mason. Obviously they never set it free, because that would have made him a Freemason. Can’t have that. Also, you can’t free something that is dead, so there’s that. The seller says:

Mason the rocking goat has a 300 lb threshold. Even your drunk uncle Louie can go for a whirl.

First, how did you know I had a drunk Uncle Louie and second, no he can’t, cuz he is tipping the scales at 400.

Vintage Bavarian Charivari Fox Teeth Locket

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Vintage Bavarian Charivari Fox Teeth Locket
This Vintage Bavarian Charivari Fox Teeth Locket is some jewelry with bite. *Puts my finger near it. Pulls it away.* This locket idea is crazy. Yeah, crazy like a fox. It’s nothin’ but teeth. This thing belongs on The X-Files. Ya know why? Cuz you wear this and you become Dana Scully. That teeth locket? Fox Molar. Ha ha ha. Get it? The tooth is out there!

If you do wear this, you’re gonna be one foxy lady. *Does the Jimi Hendrix guitar riff* C’mon, you know you’re a cute little heartbreaker… Foxy.

Vintage Bavarian Charivari Fox Teeth Locket

Vintage Bavarian Charivari Fox Teeth Locket

The Wooden Tarot Card Deck

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The Wooden Tarot Card Deck
*Grabs my new Wooden Tarot Card Deck. Gets ready for my next customer to come in the shop.* Good day sir. Let us consult the cards and divine your future. Wanna cut the deck? I have a full house, how about you? Never mind, give me those back. *Shuffles like a madman* Hmmmm. This card is interesting.

Is it the death card?

Nope, Go fish! JK JK. No, it’s the fool card. Very appropriate since you paid like $200 for this session. Now shhhhhh. I’m concentrating. No. No. It’s gone now. Hmmmm. Did you recently come into some money recently?

Actually yes I-

Can you shut up? I’m trying to give you a reading here? Sheesh.

You will meet a tall and handsome stranger, but that’s just me. Congrats by the way. I hear I’m really awesome to be around. Hmmmm. This is very interesting. I see you in a relationship. I see a woman in a kitchen. This card says that she’s waiting.

That is my wife. She expects me home for dinner in an hour.

What is for dinner? Let me draw the card. Is it steak? Spare Ribs? Sueeee-wheat! I am starving! We’ll continue this over dinner.
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Kraken Octopus Ring

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Kraken Octopus Ring
Unleash the Kraken! Well, you didn’t have to give me the finger while wearing a Kraken Octopus Ring. That’s not a very nice way to unleash the Kraken. Then again, now that I think about it, there’s probably no polite way to unleash the Kraken. And I really have to stop barging into rooms and shouting that.

You would think I would have learned my lesson after rushing through my bathroom door and shouting it. The plumber was still crouched over the toilet, and he had already unleashed his hairy Crack-en. *sigh* Some phrases sound cool, but should never be uttered.
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Deer Skull Necklace

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Deer Skull Necklace
You are going to get a lot of compliments when you wear this Deer Skull Necklace. Here are just some of the things you’ll hear:

Deer God, that’s a nice necklace.

Be a dear and- Oh my, you have a deer around your neck.

Where ya from? Deerborn, Michigan?

Who are you? The Deery Queen? Can I get a Blizzard?

Well kiss my deery-air, are those antlers?

Dear, can you fetch my deer necklace?(You to your husband)

Nice antlers btw.
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