Tag: etsy

Deadbeat Voodoo Doll: Make A Deadbeat Pay

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Deadbeat Voodoo Doll Make A Deadbeat Pay
If you know a deadbeat, use the Deadbeat Voodoo Doll to make them pay up. This hairy chested deadbeat looks just like the deadbeat that you know, except he has the initials DB on his dirty underwear. Otherwise, it is just like the scumbag you know in real life. Use the included 3 pins to cause some pain and make him pay up. Beat that deadbeat at his own game. Maybe dip those pins in some ink and give him a tattoo. Maybe a nice little tramp-stamp.

*Ding Dong.* Who could that be?

*Opens door.* My deadbeat dad is standing there, with pinpricks all over his body. He hands me some money and is all like, “Please make it stop. I’m making my payments see. Please!”

*Closes door and goes back to the couch. Picks up voodoo doll.* Time to start working on the next payment. *Jab. Jab. Jab.*

Mutant Sea Creature Vase

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Mutant Sea Creature Vase
This Mutant Sea Creature Vase is all kinds of ugly. In a good way. Everything under the sea is ugly. Just a bunch of creatures all swimming under the sea, bumping uglies. If you ever visit an Octopus’ garden and steal some flowers, put them in this vase. If I’m honest, it looks like a big open scab that’s bubbling after you put the hydrogen peroxide on. Except it doesn’t collect all that lint around the edges when you leave it uncovered. You know what I’m talking about.

I wonder if all of the sea creatures will evolve into floating scabs. How would we ever resist picking them? We have over-fished the seas, it’s only natural we over-pick it’s scabs. This has been another addition of Deep thoughts. With me.

Cthulhu Fiber Optic Christmas Tree Topper

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Cthulhu Fiber Optic Christmas Tree Topper
Merry Cthulhu everyone! Celebrate Cthulhu-mas with this awesome Cthulhu fiber optic Christmas tree topper. Look at him waving from atop the tree. He’s ready to spread the Christmas fear. This is gonna look great on my tree. I’m thinking of replacing the tree branches with tentacles too. Maybe trim the whole thing with some seaweed.

This thing stands 13.5″ tall and changes colors.
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Coffin PopTart Ornament With Real Sprinkles

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Coffin PopTart Ornament With Real Sprinkles
At least the Coffin PopTart ornament is honest. Those things will kill ya. I should know too, cuz I’ve had enough of them thrown at my head. I like to anger my wife at breakfast. Santa is a jolly old fella. Meaning he’s fat. So hang this on your tree and you are gonna get some good presents. It better not be polka dot socks like last year.

I’m getting this, cuz coffin Poptarts beats coughin’ poptarts. Hey, I eat real fast. These things are delicious.

Mini Roadkill Raccoon

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Mini Roadkill Raccoon
Mini Roadkill. It’s like life-sized roadkill, only less messy, with less stink and decomposing. This Mini Roadkill Raccoon will make a great accent piece for your desk, table, shelf, wherever you need a small animal with tire tracks across it’s flattened body. Do you think his name is Stanley? As in flat Stanley? Speaking of that dude, maybe you can mail this guy back and forth across the world, as a reminder to look when you drive. I’m just spit-balling ideas.

I have no idea what to do with a flattened Raccoon. Put it on your Christmas tree behind an elf on a cycle, so it looks like he’s leaving the scene of an accident. Or maybe it was no accident. Elves are demented like that.