This martian is going to look awesome in your yard. And I can tell ya from experience that they really look like this. It was a hot August night and I was drunk-riding home on my bicycle, cuz that isn’t illegal as far as I know. That’s when I saw this thing scurrying around the neighbor’s yard, looking grumpy as hell. When I spotted him, he jammed those tentacle legs into the ground and made like a tree. I just figured I was drunk and since I had to pee anyway… And now you know why he’s got such a grumpy look on his face. Hey, you disguise yourself as a tree on a backward planet, you’re gonna get the golden shower. I don’t remember anything after that, cuz I think he went all electric and shocked my weiner.
Read more “The Martians Are Coming!”
Tag: extraterrestrial
Alien Invasion Resistance Manual
Don’t be caught off guard when the bum-plungers come in the dead of night to do their crazy experiments on you. Be prepared. The Alien Invasion Resistance Manual will prepare you. Know your enemy. Know your rights! Is it legal under galactic law to travel billions of light years and probe some Earthlings rectum? I have no idea, but I’m hoping this book tells me the answer, cuz I can’t afford an alien lawyer.
In true Haynes style, the Alien Invasion Resistance Manual aims to demonstrate how with the right knowledge, training and a substantial reel of aluminum foil, the concerned citizen can really hit ET where it hurts. You can protect your home and family from mind-bending abductions, you can ensure that you remain free of any sinister implants and you can determine which shape-shifting lizards are working to take over society. Accompanied by illustrations, maps, diagrams and step-by-step instructions, this resistance manual will be essential reading for those interested in protecting the planet from alien invaders.
– Discover the truth about aliens and how they have already infiltrated Earth
– Learn the real story behind the Roswell crash, Area 51 and terrifying facts about alien abductions
– Read about the alien species that threaten us -from the DNA-hungry Greys to the shape shifting Draconian reptiles
– Become an Extra-terrestrial Prepper – trained and ready to defend our planet
– Create an abduction ‘safe room’ in your home and learn how to fight alien invaders
– A comprehensive analysis of alien invasion strategies and how humanity can defeat them
– A complete blueprint to the defending of our Solar System
– Plus hundreds of new uses for aluminum foil
Alien Head Planter – I Want To Believe
This Alien Head Planter makes fun of those grey alien abducting psychos, by giving them some crazy plant hair. Probably make ’em jealous too, cuz they don’t have hair and rogaine doesn’t work on their planet either. They might want to consider growing plants in their heads cuz that killer hair makes ’em look all cool, like it’s blowing in the wind like some 80s heartthrob.
The truth is out there and it’s friggin’ weird!
Alien Head Pillows – Extrater(rest)rial
These Alien Head Pillows are perfect for alien-themed sleepovers. Isn’t Brad dreamy? OMG! What about Chandler? We should do our hair! Then before you know it, you are having a pillow fight and throwing alien heads at each other. Problem is that aliens can see you doing this through your window and they think that you have decapitated a bunch of their friends and are tossing their heads around in a berserker bloodlust rage. You are so getting probed tonight! Like probed deluxe, with all the trimmings. Sometimes intergalactic misunderstandings happen. I’m sure you will all laugh about it later aboard the UFO, while you say don’t make me laugh, my butt hurts too much.
Cryptozoology Tracking Society Patches
Yeah, I remember getting some of these Cryptozoology Tracking Society Patches when I was back in Paranormal Boy Scouts. I hunted down Mothman and got that patch. Hunted down the Chupacabra and got that patch too. Little freak scratched my arm and gave me gangrene. I never got the Loch Ness Monster patch cuz I never made it to Scotland. Also never got the Jersey Devil patch cuz seriously, f**k Jersey.
Put these patches all on one jacket, then go out into the woods and dare these beasts to mess with you!