Tag: fun

Jesus And Germs Soap Dispenser

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Jesus And Germs Soap Dispenser
This Jesus And Germs Soap Dispenser says that we have to wash our hands and say our prayers because Jesus is everywhere. True that. He’s especially in those big buildings with the stained glass and pointy tops. Oh yeah, they’re called churches. Well if Jesus wanted me to wash my hands, he wouldn’t have turned all of that water into wine. That means he wants me to wash my hands with wine. Which means that wine is great for washing my insides free of germs and sin. Which in turn, is why I drink from my dad’s wine bottles and then top them off with vinegar. Last night my dad got real drunk, but smelled all feminine fresh.

Anywho, Jesus is everywhere. Even on this blog, shaking his head, but laughing at my antics. Dude loves me. I can get away with anything. Except for that hooker and the trunk full of blow incident last year. Trust me, Moses and the burning bush reads a whole new way after God smites you with a mega STD with crabs piled on top.

Scary Grim Reaper Statue

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Scary Grim Reaper Statue
He reaps what he sews. I’ll say that much for the Grim Reaper. Sorry if that sounded stupid. I’m just acting like I know what that phrase means. He is grim though. Why so grim? You know, you could be a Happy Reaper. It’s all about having a positive attitude. I guess it’s better than being a Prim Reaper. You don’t want to be all prim and proper, otherwise no one would come with you. Say, what are you doing here anyway?…. Oh poop.

Update:
Hey guys. He said he’s gonna let me finish this article before he takes me wherever he’s taking me, because I was so cool with him. It’s really neat here. It’s all black smoke and a void. I’m typing with my mind from another plane. JetBlue I think. Maybe Southwest! Ha. I still got it, even in the afterlife. Plane of existence you dopes.

Anywho’s I meant to talk about this Scary Grim Reaper Statue. I dare you to put it on the back of your toilet and every time you sit there you can act like he’s massaging you. Ha ha ha! He’s not sitting, he’s dead-itating! Ha ha ha ha. BRB guys. Back. He didn’t think that was funny. He’s a real grump. I’ll find my way back to you guys, I promise.

Adidas Tiger Tail Sneakers: Catch The Tiger By The Tail

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Adidas Tiger Tail Sneakers Catch The Tiger By The Tail
These Adidas Tiger Tail Sneakers will finally let me live out my dream of catching a tiger by the tail. You do that with a real tiger and the tiger catches you by the hand and leaves ya with a bloody stump. Sadly, they aren’t my size. They’re for kids, who get all of the cool stuff. It really bums me out too, cuz my dream was to wear them while eating some Frosted Flakes. Mom would ask me if I liked my new shoes and I would shove my spoon hand in the air and yell, “THEY’RE GREAT!” then act like it never happened.

Oh well, you can’t live out all of your dreams. I feel like I’ve already accomplished a lot just by rising to the heights of “professional fat nerd blogger in underwear”. Wasn’t easy to get here either. Had to make a lot of sacrifices, like friends, love, thinness… Yeah, that’s why. Just leave it okay! I don’t want to talk about it. It IS NOT the Oreos! Anyway, a tiger doesn’t change his stripes. Well, not unless he has some spray paint.
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Cthulhu Ski Mask Warms Your Tentacles

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Cthulhu Ski Mask Warms Your Tentacles
This Cthulhu Ski Mask is awesome. Yet terrifying. It’s the best way ever to keep all of your tentacles warm in the winter. You probably shouldn’t wear this when you rob a store, but I know you will. You scamps.

Can you describe the man that robbed you?

Well, he was about this tall, had some horns, had a bunch of tentacles and looked like an ancient evil that has just awakened. That should narrow it down.

Laugh if you want, but Cthulhu will tell ya, your tentacles get pretty cold in the winter months. They have been known to snap off like icicles in extreme temperatures.

Women’s Meat Printed Socks

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Women's Meat Printed Socks
These Women’s Meat Printed Socks let you put some tenderloin on your tootsies. Some pork on your little piggies. Some bacon on your bunyons. You get the point. What could be better than meat on your feet? Not a damn thing. And now that they make socks that look like meat, I will no longer have to slip my feet into those choice cuts from the meat department. Hey, it gets cold during the winter. My floors are a bacterial nightmare. Look at how nicely marbled these are. You tenderize ’em in the washer and dryer.

Meat. It’s what’s for dinner. Also, it’s what’s for laundry. I’m gonna wear these to my local meat-up. It’s pork week. Like shark week only we’re the predators.