Tag: goth

Vampire Soap On A Rope: Skull On A Rope

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Vampire Soap On A Rope
Don’t be a Transylvanian dope, use Vampire Soap On A Rope. That way you’ll never drop the soap.

*Lathers up with my Vampire head. Singing “Fat Bottomed Girls” and feeling great. Feelin’ clean and refreshed as sunlight filters into the shower as day begins. I hold my Vampire soap up proudly just as sun beams hit it and then scream horribly as the Vampire face melts in my hand and drips through my fingers. Runs screaming out of the shower.*

*Sits in the corner shivering and dripping, traumatized.*

I should know better than to use Vampire soap in daylight.

Interior Frighting: Spine And Skull Lamp

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Interior Frighting Spine And Skull Lamp
Damn. My Spine And Skull Lamp isn’t working. I think I slipped a disc. Better call the chiropractor to come over and repair this thing. Funny story: I slipped a disc once, because I slipped on a disc. One of those old AOL discs that the postman filled my house with in the 90’s. Here’s a good one. Ready? How do Chiropractors do their hair? In-verte-braids! They like to play jump rope and play with dolls too. It’s weird.

I dated a chiropractor once. She was a real head turner. Don’t worry, she soon set me straight! Chiropractors are not all they are cracked up to be. It’s spine. Really it is.

Raven Chandelier

Artemis Winterford1 Comment

Raven Chandelier
Nevermore. Nevermore. *Looks up at my Raven chandelier.* Shut up already, I’m trying to eat dinner. I’m raven-ous here. Geesh. Sorry, did I ruffle your feathers? *Sarcastic.* That’s soooo raven! What the- Nice. Poop all over me and my dinner. Great. I knew I should have stuck with traditional decor. Nice. Shake your tail feathers after. Did that feel good?

This cool and slightly creepy piece of raven lighting features birds with a 36″ wingspan. Will it be dark in the room? Nevermore. Will you want to eat under this thing? Nevermore.

Skeleton Hand Ring

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skeleton hand ring
Chicks be like “When ya gonna commit and make an honest woman out of me?” and I’m all like, “If you want a ring, I’ll dial your number.” Then I just walk away. Nah. I wish I was cool like that. No girl girl is asking me to put a ring around her finger. But if they did, I would give them this cool Skeleton Hand Ring, cuz it probably feels all creepy, like you have a baby constantly clutching your finger. A tiny bony baby, with skulls for knuckles.

Boom! There’s my next business idea. Skeleton Brass knuckles for babies. I’ll call my line of accessories Badass Baby. No, make that Bad(Powdered-Ass) Baby. Cuz their butts are always powdered.

Pants + Skirt = Skants?

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Pants Skirt Skants
It’s pants, it’s a skirt. It’s a pant-skirt. Skants. It’s for pale cave-people who need more sunlight. Apparently. They call it a transformer, but I’ve never seen Optimus Prime wearing this thing. Can’t decide between pants or a skirt? Just wear this. They look like some kind of weird prison pants. Prisoner number Skants step forward. I mean shuffle. Shuffle forward. Hands where I can see ’em.

Gollum loves them: Ssskants are my precious. Sometimes me wants a ssskirt, sometimes me wants pantsss. Me wants ssshuffle underground. Ssskanks is mine. I means ssskants! No sssunlight! *Hissssss* *Crawls off into the darkness.*