Tag: novelty

Scary Grim Reaper Statue

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Scary Grim Reaper Statue
He reaps what he sews. I’ll say that much for the Grim Reaper. Sorry if that sounded stupid. I’m just acting like I know what that phrase means. He is grim though. Why so grim? You know, you could be a Happy Reaper. It’s all about having a positive attitude. I guess it’s better than being a Prim Reaper. You don’t want to be all prim and proper, otherwise no one would come with you. Say, what are you doing here anyway?…. Oh poop.

Update:
Hey guys. He said he’s gonna let me finish this article before he takes me wherever he’s taking me, because I was so cool with him. It’s really neat here. It’s all black smoke and a void. I’m typing with my mind from another plane. JetBlue I think. Maybe Southwest! Ha. I still got it, even in the afterlife. Plane of existence you dopes.

Anywho’s I meant to talk about this Scary Grim Reaper Statue. I dare you to put it on the back of your toilet and every time you sit there you can act like he’s massaging you. Ha ha ha! He’s not sitting, he’s dead-itating! Ha ha ha ha. BRB guys. Back. He didn’t think that was funny. He’s a real grump. I’ll find my way back to you guys, I promise.

Let’s Make This Brief Underwear Notes

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Let’s Make This Brief Underwear Notes
Leave notes on a pair of underwear. Let’s make this brief Underwear Notes. People pay attention to a note on a pair of tightie whities. Other notes? They just crumple up and throw them away. Although I think they should have some yellow stains and look a little crusty. Maybe have some fried chicken grease. You know, just for realism. Maybe that’s just me. Perfect for notes like: PICK UP SOME UNDERWEAR! or CRAPPED MYSELF: JUST FYI or WE NEED MILK, DON”T BE A WIENER! then draw a picture of a wiener escaping the undies cuz you’re totally grown up, but it has to be done.

People always ask me, boxers or briefs? And I say I prefer my boxers in briefs, otherwise both fighters are gonna have two dangling arms hitting each other below the belt. I don’t really wanna see that. It’s already too much man on man action for me.

Cool Monster Eye Pocket Watch Case Pendants

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Cool Monster Eye Pocket Watch Case Pendants
Hey peeps. Do you like monster eyes? Like dragons and Krakens and stuff? TheArkanaWorkshop makes these awesome Monster Eye Pocket Watch Case Pendants. May the eye of the dragon be upon you. I’m not even sure what that means. An old man said that to me in a dream. I think it means it is my destiny to get one of these and wear it. Cool. The secret life that I have in my head rocks! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, these eyes in pocket watch cases are friggin awesome. These eyes look scary and creepy and totally badass. When I look at it up close, does the dragon see a human eye pendant looking back? Like it’s a portal to another world? If so, I’m gonna moon it.

*Drops pants. Shakes butt in front of dragon pendant.* How do you like that dragon? There’s a full moon out tonight in Hobbit land! Ha ha. Hope I don’t set off any werewolves on that side! *Fire erupts from the pendant as I run away trailing smoke from my burnt butt.*
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Horror Themed Hair Bows

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Freddy Krueger Hair bow
MJistheBOMB makes all sorts of hair bows, but the weirdest are these Horror Themed Hair Bows. You have Freddy Krueger, which I really wish was a bow tie, Chucky, Bride of Chucky and Frankenstein. So put some horror in your hair. They are perfect for Halloween or just every day.

I would suggest wearing them with a beehive hairdo with white streaks, like the Bride of Frankenstein. Just my own un-professional opinion. I like my hos with bows. Did I just say that? Not really. It was the meds. They do all the bad things. They also find all of this cool stuff for you, so you can’t be too hard on them. I’ll have a quiet word and put them to bed. Talk later.
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Adidas Tiger Tail Sneakers: Catch The Tiger By The Tail

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Adidas Tiger Tail Sneakers Catch The Tiger By The Tail
These Adidas Tiger Tail Sneakers will finally let me live out my dream of catching a tiger by the tail. You do that with a real tiger and the tiger catches you by the hand and leaves ya with a bloody stump. Sadly, they aren’t my size. They’re for kids, who get all of the cool stuff. It really bums me out too, cuz my dream was to wear them while eating some Frosted Flakes. Mom would ask me if I liked my new shoes and I would shove my spoon hand in the air and yell, “THEY’RE GREAT!” then act like it never happened.

Oh well, you can’t live out all of your dreams. I feel like I’ve already accomplished a lot just by rising to the heights of “professional fat nerd blogger in underwear”. Wasn’t easy to get here either. Had to make a lot of sacrifices, like friends, love, thinness… Yeah, that’s why. Just leave it okay! I don’t want to talk about it. It IS NOT the Oreos! Anyway, a tiger doesn’t change his stripes. Well, not unless he has some spray paint.
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