Tag: novelty

Cute Zombie In Coffin Sculpture

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Cute Zombie In Coffin Sculpture
Make some room in your heart and on your shelf, for this Cute Zombie In Coffin Sculpture. This undead figure can be displayed in his coffin or out. He either just ate something super sour or he’s getting his tonsils checked by the zombie doctor. I have no idea. Oh and he took his own eyeball out.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a self-harming zombie before. He’s all about not living fast and undying young. Does that make sense? Again, I have no idea. I ran out of “medicine” today aka Box wine and I don’t know what’s going on with anything. You’re lucky I showed up at all. I was gonna call in sick, but there are just too damn many of you. It would have been a full work day just letting you all know and half of you would have thought I was lying about that lie about helping the old lady to the hospital after a squirrel attack.

4 Headed Dark Duckling

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

4 Headed Dark Duckling
The quack is back. No, that’s not right. The quack is black. Beware the 4 Headed Dark Duckling. He probably spent his life walking in circles. That would suck having to eat for 4.

This thing is whacked yo! No, it’s quacked yo! It’s actually 4 individual ducks all put together. So this thing is stacked yo! You might say the maker got all his or her ducks in a row. And that’s all the duck comedy I have for today.

Duck Tales…Wooo-ooo!

Alien Abduction Tattoo On Synthetic Life-Like Flesh

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Alien Abduction Tattoo On Synthetic Life-Like Flesh
Now you can experience the joy of having your own badass Alien Abduction Tattoo without all of the pain of having it on your own flesh. This Alien Abduction Tattoo On Synthetic Life-Like Flesh will make a great conversation piece. I like that it looks like a limited edition Pop Tart. Don’t put this thing in your toaster, unless you like the smell of burning synthetic flesh in the morning.

It’s not real flesh obviously. The aliens probably have walls full of the real thing. If you get an alien abduction tattoo, they will rip it off while you are on the exam table. They gotta keep their secrets after all.

Leather Tarot Card Holders

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Tarot Card Holders
Etsy seller ContrivedtoCharm has some cool Leather Tarot Card Holders. That way you can keep your deck safe and organized. Reminds me of the only time I ever went to a psychic for a Tarot Card reading:

The death card. What does that mean?

Death! You idiot!

You mean someone in this room is gonna die?

I think we both know who.

Whatevs ya old crackpot! *Throws a tip on the table and heads for the door. Leaves and slams door. Hears a loud BOOOOOMMMMM! Opens door and peeks back in. Sees a pair of feet sticking out from underneath the piano that fell from the second floor.*

Holy Madame Cleo! She was right.

*Tiptoes around the wreckage to retrieve my tip.*
Read more “Leather Tarot Card Holders”

Fart Warning Underwear

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Fart Warning Underwear
Fart Warning Underwear. You’ve been warned. I don’t know why you’re still hanging around watching that loading bar reach critical mass. When this thing blows the walls are gonna be repainted.

Just squirted a little, so I can get ya a color swatch. I call it “Downtown Brown”. It’s hip and trendy. I think you’ll like it.