Complain, complain, complain! Let me play the world’s smallest violin. That’s right. It really exists and I’m really playing it. Now listen as it provides the proper ambiance and atmosphere for your whining.
You’re really playing it.
That’s right.
I thought that was just a saying.
It was. Now it’s a real thing, because I’m awesome. It sounds amazing. *Snap.* Nuts! Broke a string. Now I gotta find the world’s smallest violin repairman.
Ugh! I need my morning coffee. Where are my glasses? Where’s my awesome Bat Wings Mug? I think that bat-shaped blob might be it. Grabs wings with both hands. *Eeeekkkk-Squeakkkk* Why are you fighting me? *Straining to hold it still and get it to my lips.* I just want coffee! Stop biting my lips! Ow! *Mug flies out the window.*
There are my glasses. *Puts them on.* Hey, there’s my Bat Wings Mug. Hmmmmm. I guess that’s what I get for living in a belfry. Better search “rabies” on Google again.
I’m gonna get this Fifty Shades of Chicken Cookbook and me and my chicken are going to have a quiet night in. I’ll set the table, pour some wine, candlelight for two…
Oh chicken you are so lovely. You give me sticky chicken fingers whenever I touch you. Gonna bind your wings with bacon, grab ya by the dripping thighs and truss you up. Gonna rub some butter all over your poultry skin, cuz I know you want that Lard-on. Spank you with some marinade…
I would do all of that stuff IF I had a chicken. But I don’t. Thanks for making me hungry. Stupid book!
Check out these creepy crawly glass spiders. Makes me picture a whole store full of these 8-legged demons. I hate spiders. Excuse me a moment while I go order Thor’s hammer online.
*Waits like 7 days because I’m too cheap to buy Amazon Prime.* Now I’m ready. *Bursts through the doors of the glass spider shop. Smashes everything in sight as glass flies everywhere, not stopping until every single spider is dead.* My work here is done. The world is a little safer now.
Read more “Blown Glass Spiders”
This Flying Saucer With Alien Figures reminds me of the time I ran into some aliens. Last week.
Take us to your leader Earthling.
No, you take me to your leader!
But we are guests on your planet.
Leader. Now. I don’t deal with minions.
Our leader is not here. We left him at home. We come bearing gifts, like the cure for cancer, the answer to world peace and the secret for a neverending gobstopper. Fine.
*Grabs a stick and uses it as a cane while I lead them to my house.* Yoda. You seek Yoga.
They soon found out that I wasn’t Yoda, leader of Earth. But it was too late. They are locked in my garage giving me all of their technology and training to be Jedi. I better take a bath because I’m about to be filthy rich.