Tag: novelty

This Wolf Motorcycle Helmet is Hairy And Scary

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

wolf helmet
Hey there Little Red Riding Hood. You’re everything a big bad wolf could want. Why don’t you hop on my motorcycle and I’ll take ya to grandma’s house. You know this wolf helmet is awesome because it comes from Wolfhelmet.com. They aren’t messing around. They are all wolf helmet. All of the time.

Now when you do those sweet-ass stunts like jumping over fiery barrels, you can look awesome as your leg snaps in half. You may even be tempted to grab that hunk of meat by the bone and start gnawing on yourself. Cuz you know, Wolf helmet will transform you.

That’s how you know that you are a bad ass biker dude. You wipe out, you wolf down some dinner. That’s why you don’t see packs of werewolves on bikes. You wipe out, they feed, until there is only one.
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Shark Bite Adult Sleeping Bag

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shark sleeping bagI love this Shark Bite Adult Sleeping Bag. You can get in and shark all around the floor, all flippy floppy like a shark out of water, until you find your roommate’s leg hanging off the side of the couch and take a giant bite while he’s watching Shark Week. Dude, shut your hole. Stop screaming! The neighbors are going to complain. It’s just a flesh wound. Jesus, what a baby!

This sleeping bag is 6 feet 3 inches long. Plenty big enough for an adult human to be the predator of the house. I would advise you to go for the head first to avoid the screams of your prey.

Bigfoot Research Kit

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bigfoot research kit
*Removes “Gone Squachin'” sign* I’m back and you’ll be happy to know that I’ve bagged a Bigfoot. It took a few drinks and a story about how I was in the CIA, but she eventually came around. The bag was strictly for my protection, because her feet weren’t the only things about her that were big and ugly. Oh, I also caught a Sasquatch.

Turns out all you need is the “In Search Of” theme music mixed with the “X-Files” theme music and a poster of a half naked Dana Scully nailed to a tree. Oh and this Bigfoot Research Kit helps too. Just makes you all official.

Well, I’m off to teach it sign language and how to get snacks from the convenience store. They won’t even notice the difference from when this hairy ape goes in and fills a cart with slim jims and doritos. They’ll probably ask if I got a haircut.

Slice Of Pizza Sleeping Bag

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

pizza sleeping bag
Make like some cheesy crust and slip into this Slice Of Pizza Sleeping Bag. Did you sleep good? Yeah I had a good slice! Saucy dreams too! The pillows are sold separately by the same seller.

I’m buying one and having a big sleepover next month, so I expect 7 of you girls to buy this. Then we can all lay on my floor in a circle and make a whole pizza. Warning you now though, I will likely burrow from one sleeping bag to the other while you are snoring away, like a crazy pizza-groundhog. If we wake up in the same slice you have six more weeks of winter, so you best cozy up to me. Just the way it works.

Well, it’s been a slice. Laterz.
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Brain Specimen Coasters

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

brain specimen drink coasters
Hey! Don’t put your drink on my coffee table and stain it! Use your brain! Oh, I see you brought your own Brain Specimen Coasters. I didn’t mean that so literally, but cool. Pass me a slice for my Mountain Dew.

So…Hard to talk about anything else when you got slices of brain all over your table. I can’t think of anything cerebral to say. Uh, you didn’t actually make those yourself right? No, I don’t want to know. Thanks for giving me a piece of your mind, by the way. I hate spillage and stains on my table. Yet I don’t seem to mind brains. Is that weird?
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