Wax-On Wax-Off Car Cleaning Kit

wax-on wax-off car cleanerThis Wax-On Wax-Off Car Cleaning Kit should make your car nice and shiny. This car cleaning kit comes with two mitts, some car wax and a karate bandanna. I bought this like a year ago. Turns out I was doing it wrong. Let’s just say that the Wax-On glove is still in pristine condition, while the Wax-Off glove is pretty worn in.

The upside is that my junk is all shiny with a clear protective coating. My Sensei said I had what it took to get to the finals, but the training never seemed to end. “Again!” *Hits me with a bamboo stick* But Sensei, I’m worn out. I can’t do it. “Again!” Fine. Whatever.

That’s what I get for confusing “wandering mystic karate master who is wise because he mumbles” with “homeless guy who mumbles because he is drunk and deranged”. Say where’d you learn karate, master? “Me? I no know karate. I just like to watch you Wax-Off.” Fair enough. I’ll give you a ride to that overpass you like to sleep under. Then we go our separate ways.

Jurassic Houseware: Dinosaur Plates

dinosaur plates

Eat up and make that meal extinct when you eat off of Dinosaur Plates. Have some Tex-Mex on a T-Rex, serve up the broccoli on a Brachiosaurus. Get all Pie-rannosaurus on a Tyrannosaurus! Reminds me of that time my roommate got a set of fancy Dinosaur plates. I cut a hole in the ceiling and waited for him to finish his dinner, then I throw rocks through the hole and broke ’em into a million pieces. “Meteors! Run or you’ll all be extinct!”

After he cooled down, he ordered more and informed me that the dinosaurs went extinct because the plant life died everywhere, not because of a meteor. So the next week I threw out all of his fruit and vegetables and put X’s over all the dinosaur eyes before I smashed the plates and buried them in his trash, with some chocolate syrup to simulate fossil fuel.

Bullet Bouquets: In Boom Right Now

bullet bouquet
Bullet Bouquets. They boom when they bloom. But enough of that gloom and doom. Artist Anthony Zambai and wife create these Bullet Bouquets. Bang bang, bloom bloom. Flower power. Each bouquet is made of authentic, spent hollow point bullets. They are sold as tiny pots of 3 to 12 “buds”. Hey bud. Boom.

They make great gifts. Nothing says I love you like spent ammunition that you “spent” your money on. These bullets could have been used to kill a living thing, but instead, I present them to you as flowers. Please love me. I’m so alone and my impending mortality scares me.

Latex Tentacle Dress

etsy tentacle dress
If you have a thing for tentacles, feast your eyes on this Latex Tentacle Dress. Eh! Tentacles are for suckers! See what I did there? *It’s not really a joke if you have to explain it* Shut up or I’ll have Madame Octopus shoot you full of ink. *I had an inkling you might say that* Stop it, you’re stealing my thunder. The meds were supposed to silence you.

What’s Kraken m’lady? You look like a James Bond Villain in that dress. I’d like to be…under the sea…In an Octopuses garden…With you. Maybe have a picnic, eat an Octo-pie together. Heh Heh. Octopi. Hey just because you have eight arms doesn’t mean you get every slice! Back off sucker-arms!

Scary Stilettos And Horror Heels

horror movie shoes
Etsy seller BabaRegali makes all kinds of custom high heels, but the best are the ones based on horror movies. There’s Chuckie, Friday The 13th, Freddy Kreuger and more. Below are just a few samples of their work, which combines the horror of movies with the horror of wearing high heels. Not that I would know anything about that.

Shut up, it was just that one time! I only put them on to stomp a few bugs. I just forgot I was wearing them for a few hours, that’s all. The nightgown was to protect me from mosquitoes! They are bad this time of year. The bra? Yeah that was all me just being a perv. I’ll own that one.
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