Tag: novelty

Well Preserved Thieving Elf Hand With Coin

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

elf handHow about a lil bit o’ the elf what thieved ya? What doya say Govner?

In the mid 19th century, many Northern European homes had issues with elves, the epidemic was not dissimilar to the infestation of rats or mice that many homes endure today. In the autumn if 1877, an impoverish farmer noticed his small savings of coins were rapidly dwindling despite the fact that he’d spent none of it. Fed up, he set a trap, days later he caught a small elf. As punishment for stealing his coins the old farmer lobbed off the creatures hand, still holding the man’s stolen coin. Countless attempts have been made to remove the coin but it remains today, still clutched in the grasp of the creature severed limb.

So I says to him…I don’t right know if at was the elf what thieved me…but he ad a hand init!
Read more “Well Preserved Thieving Elf Hand With Coin”

Banana Umbrella

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

banana umbrella
This banana umbrella is looking ripe and ready to protect you from a hard rain. Just peel it to deploy your umbrella and go bananas. Bananas are an excellent source of potassium. You know what else is an excellent source of potassium? Mushrooms.

Although I wouldn’t pick them from the woods. It’s really hard to get your daily dose of potassium when you are being chased by elves with melty faces and riding praying mantis bikes. I think I got my potassium that day, but only after I saw my friend turn into the demon king of drippy ear wax and get eaten by a Venus Fly trap that was two pizzas slammed together. After that I woke up in the microwave inside of a giant hot pocket. Turns out the hot pocket was my sleeping bag and the microwave was the sun, burning my pale nerd skin.
Read more “Banana Umbrella”

Garbage Pantz: Pants For Your Garbage

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

garbage pantz
Garbage Pantz are plastic covers that you can put on your outdoor trash can, so that it looks like it’s wearing pants. Sadly, it looks exactly like some of the bin buckets I see walking around Walmart. In fact, you may be walking down the street one day and mistake this for one of your large buddies.

I thought I saw Mike today. Really? That’s cool. Well, I drove by real fast, but I’m sure it’s him. He just seemed to be standing there in the same spot, when I passed again. That doesn’t sound like Mike. We better get in the car and make sure he’s okay.

Fifteen minutes later…

Is that him? I can’t tell. Looks like his big butt. Those thighs are all him too. Nobody wears husky like him. I’m going across the street for a better look.

No. Wasn’t him. Just some weird garbage can with jeans on it.

Wait look! There he is at the McDonald’s across the street, force feeding two big macs in his mouth with a fistful of fries. Thank God he’s alright. He’s lucky to have friends like us.

Dog Rider Costume Harness

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

dog harness costume barbarian
Sweet! Thanks to these Dog Rider Harnesses, now my dog will look really cool when I race him against the other dogs in the park. It’s not so much racing as it is my dog chasing other dogs and mounting them. It usually ends with an old woman crying and clutching a tiny shaky pooch to her chest, while my dog takes a poop of shame and then we get away through some bushes.

You can choose all kinds of dog riders: There’s a cowboy, a jockey, a mailman, a monkey, even a cat!
Read more “Dog Rider Costume Harness”

UPS Merman Christmas Ornament

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

ups merman ornamentWait what? That’s right. A UPS merman Christmas Ornament. I also asked myself why. I have no idea, You know how much weird stuff I see all day long? I could write a blog about it. Oh right. I do.

Hello? UPS? I’d like to make a complaint. I was standing on my porch waiting for the Fedex guy when the UPS guy, a merman by the way, swims up to me, all bobbing and waving in the air. Dude had his shirt unbuttoned and was fondling the hell out of my package. Said his name was Barry-L. He smelled like trout and aftershave. The neighborhood cats that followed the truck as it left that day ain’t been right since. All they do is make left turns now. Dude dripped a small pond on my porch too.